Lily Lou

This is Lily on her first day of school last year. I can't believe how much she has grown up. Nobody ever tells you how hard it is to have a three year old. Other parents always warn, "Terrible Twos!" "You think it's hard now, just wait until they are teenagers!" However, you never hear that three is difficult. Well, let this be a warning to you: Three is HARD! I'd be tempted to say even harder than the newborn phase; however, I could just be blocking those difficult memories altogether.

Three year olds have the patience of a two year old but more language to whine, and argue, and throw some major temper tantrums. Couple that with a personality that likes to test the waters on everything her parents do....you've got a very difficult phase. I am so glad that we are finished with that! Lily continues to have her moments, but they are fewer and farther between. She is now a little girl that has insightful conversations and is concerned when her siblings need something. She is growing up so fast and the girl that would wear red stripes and purple polka dots in the same outfit is now concerned about matching a little closer to her peers. I hope that three year old that enjoyed expressing herself with fashion doesn't disappear all together!

Here is the picture of Lily on her first day this year. It was her idea to make that face! I couldn't believe she remembered making that funny face last year.

Lily has taught me some valuable lessons and continues to amaze me with her spunky personality. She has, on more than one occasion, made me want to pull my hair out by the roots. However, now that the good moments happen way more than the bad moments; she has made me appreciate my life and just how far we've come.

So, don't let anyone fool you. Three could be the hardest parenting year. . .but, when they get to about four and a half, all of your hard work will start to pay off. Tenfold.

A little gem

***WARNING***


Poop Ahead!

I know that I talk about poop way more than the average person...but, poop is a big part of my job as a stay-at-home mom to three young children. It's just the breaks of the game, I guess. So, today Drew pooped on the carpet and tried to clean it up with Julianna's shirt. Yummo. Don't freak out, she wasn't wearing the shirt. This incident would have be a story all by itself, but this is not the first time this has happened.

Sit back and enjoy this little gem of a story about how my husband met his worst enemy: Poop.





It was a Saturday morning, and at the time, Tom was working a lot of those lovely Saturdays. On this day I was giving the children a bath. I finished with Drew and got him out of the tub and sat him naked on the area rug in the middle of the living room while I washed Lily's hair in the bathroom. I was really only gone for a few short minutes while I got Lily finished up and pulled out of the tub. (You should know that even though I should have learned my lesson years ago about letting the kids hang out around the house naked...i do it anyway...regardless of how much poop this causes me to clean up off the floor. Nakedness teaches children to be comfortable with their bodies and that your body is nothing to be ashamed of.)


When I returned to the living room you can guess what I saw. Drew was sitting in a mound of his own poo. It was a horrible mess and I barely had started to get it cleaned up when.....my wonderful husband walked through the front door. SURPRISE! (side note- my husband doesn't do poop. none. he really can't stand it and will do ANYTHING I ask to avoid changing the tiniest stinky diaper. I have never met anyone so disgusted by poop.) So, anyway, he walks in to me cleaning up a poop mess on the floor and starts screaming, "AHHHHH!!! NOOOOO!!!"



By this time in the rug's short life, the kids had pooped, gone potty, and vomited all over it on a number of occasions. So, in his infinite wisdom, Tom decided that we should just throw the rug out. Yup. "Just toss it," is often what Tom says about many things. Any day a child is going to get dirty or whiny and Tom will announce that it's time to toss the child. Anyway, he decided that it was too disgusting to recover from such a mess. (It really was quite a mess....gooey, sticky, stinky mess. oh, you didn't want details? Sorry! You should stop reading this post if that grosses you out, because I'm about to take it up a notch in the gross department!)



Tom rolled that nasty poop infested rug up and tossed it outside. He is such a good guy that he was cleaning the floor that was under the rug. He was getting ready to run the vacuum when he spotted something. OOOOhhhh! Could it be a chocolate treat? A raisin maybe? Or maybe an M&M!! He walks over to investigate. You'll never guess what it was. He obviously didn't...because right there in the middle of the living room, my husband, the poop hater, sniffed that brown little treat to identify it. A big deep whiff. You know what it was? Yes. You're correct. A small little turd from who knows when. He screamed like a girl and the poop went flying. I'm pretty sure, over a year later, he's still recovering from the shock.

Wordless Wednesday: My Husband Rocks and I Love Him!

Miss Shanna

Lily started back to school today. She was extremely excited to start school this year! She has the same wonderful teacher that she did last year, Miss Shanna. She is amazing and sweet and firm and just about a perfect preschool teacher! The wonderful thing about Miss Shanna is that she is as amazing and sweet in her personal life as she is in the classroom.

Miss Shanna is so dedicated to her job as a preschool teacher and understands the importance of structure and predictability so much that even though she had major back surgery (and I do mean MAJOR) this summer, she is currently teaching with an uncomfortable back brace on. I know that she is worn out and uncomfortable. However, there she was today with a smile, ready to face all these three and four year olds storming her door! She is the ideal first teacher and I will miss her when my kids are finished with preschool!

I love Miss Shanna and the Early Education Center. The Early Ed Center is a really amazing inclusive preschool with a diverse student population. All of the teachers are certified and there are many special needs children that go to school there. I love that Lily is experiencing diversity at such a young age. They do not separate children based on disability or age. In Lily's classroom this year there will be kids who haven't quite turned three all the way up to children that are turning 5. It teaches an amazing amount about peer relationships and gives Lily an opportunity to make all kinds of new and different friends.

We have a perfectly fine preschool across the street from our house. It would make every bit of sense to send my children across the street. (Early Ed. is a solid 15 minute drive from our house) And next year Lily will start kindergarten. The school she will be attending is only two short blocks from our front door. How easy it would be to send her off to kindergarten and send Drew off to preschool right here by our house. I had almost convinced myself that that was what I was going to do. However, my experience with Early Ed and especially Miss Shanna has been too great to send Drew anywhere else!

We Love you Miss Shanna!

Feeling Good

I'm feeling so much better that I think I might be crazy all to the way to the other end of the spectrum. When I started getting treatment for the PPD I was sluggish, unfocused and unmotivated. Basically annoyed with life in general. However, in recent memory I have not ever felt as well as I do right this moment. Now I have both energy and motivation!

Because I have been feeling so good I have been completing all kinds of projects. Projects and chores that have been staring me in the face for weeks, months and sometimes even years!! One of the projects that I finished yesterday screams to me, You. Are. Better. This project would have never happened before treatment. As I type this I still can't believe I did it. Not only did I start the project, but I finished it!

this pic looks like an ad, it was unintentional

I bleached the grout of the tile in our kitchen. Not only did I clean the grout; but, I did it with a toothbrush. That's right people. The girl who barely had motivation to brush her own teeth merely three weeks ago is now scrubbing the floors with a toothbrush. It looks so much better. I am so proud of myself because I used to not be able to do ANY. THING. ALL DAY! And now I am seeing myself have success. I am achieving small victories that take me one step closer to being 100% better.

Do you know what I did when I was finished with the floor? I moved my energy and focus outside. I removed the screens on the front windows of our house. We have never taken them down before and we've lived here three and a half years. I took them down to get the windows washed for the first time. I had also noticed (when we moved in, really) that the paint was peeling away from the wood. So, my plan is to re-paint the window frames. The craziest thing about it? I have confidence that I can complete this little chore, too!

YAY ME!

P.S. If you tried to leave a comment on my last post, please try again. I guess that the comments were set up so that only people with google accounts could post. Tom changed it for me so you should all be able to comment.

Hello out there!!

Recently, I have had a few people start following my blog. People that I don't know in my everyday life. That has me thinking and now I am extremely curious about who is reading.
I have loved having this blog over the past months it has been such a fun outlet for me. I love sharing the crazy predicaments that I find myself in and the struggles I have with being a great mom. I'm so glad you're here reading this blog! Please leave a comment and let me know who's out there!!

Welcome and
Happy Reading!
Taylor

Pigtails

Sometimes I joke with my sister, Sarah, and say that Lily is Sarah Jr. because Lily can be bossy and sneaky. Much like my sister was growing up. She also has Sarah's love for music and dance. Lily loves to preform! I can imagine in the very near future Lily will be directing her own productions with Drew and Julianna as the support cast. :)

Julianna, on the other hand, looks like my sister. Sarah had no hair and I think that the above picture of Julianna actually looks just like Sarah when she was a baby. Not only did Sarah have very little hair until she was at least 2 years old, but, in this picture even the look on Julianna's face screams Sarah to me. The only difference? Julianna DOES have SOME hair! Look close! I think it's almost time to barrette it back out of her eyes! No? Okay, pigtails then!

How is it?

How is it that kids know exactly the tone and volume to whine to drive you mad?! There is no real way to discipline the whining besides ignoring them. Which only seems to rev up the whine...making it louder and more annoying. Right now I am making an attempt to ignore the current whine, "GO TAKE YOUR SHOWER!! I WANT TO WATCH TV!! Mom! MOM! MOM!!"
(She wants me to take my shower so that she can sneak the TV. Yes, it starts this early.)

Here are some other whining moments I've heard in the recent HOURS of my life:

"Drew's looking at me!! He won't stop looking at me!!"

"Drew's arguing with me! He won't stop arguing with me."

"Ahhhhh!!" "AHHHHHHHHHH!!" "AHHHHHHH!" "AHHHHH!!"

"I want the pink cup. Drew can't have the pink cup!! IT"S MINE!"
"NO!! I WANT THE PINK CUP!!! AHHHHHHHH!!"

"But MOM!! Drew's ________ ME!!"
hitting
biting
pushing
pinching
pulling

"I don't want to sit in this chair.
eat that.
walk.
take a nap.
take a bath.
comb my hair.
brush my teeth.

Then there is always the incoherent crying that comes with a whine. The one that makes you want to pull your hair out. Parenting is fun in small doses, if you spend too much time doing it you may end up like your mother. Ha ha!

Wordless Wednesday: Old School Poopy Pants

Flow

I have started a couple of blog posts today but I just can't seem to get into the flow of it. For some reason I've been feeling depressed again. It's really a frustrating thing to be cognitively aware that you are depressed and you do everything to overcome it....but, it sneaks up on you through the back door.

I don't want to become the downer blog or whine about the fact that I just can't seem to kick this damn thing. But, I do want an honest blog that gives gives people an idea of what it is like for me; as a mother, wife, sister, friend, and member of my community. I just think that people don't talk about this type of thing enough. So many people suffer in silence or aren't even aware of the possibility that things could be better. So, here I am, being as honest as possible and to tell you that if you're feeling depressed...there is a better way!!

It snuck up on me again. I was feeling spectacular for several days. Things were clicking. I was having a great time with my kids and my husband. I was not feeling overwhelmed or crazy. Then on Thursday of last week I think my body and brain went out of sync. I think my body was still adjusting to not producing milk anymore; and my brain was adjusting to all sorts of new medication and lots of it. So, in turn, I felt so terrible that I could barely get out of bed. I felt dizzy and nauseous and just tired. By Friday I had decided that I just had a bug and I would be over it soon. It is only now looking back that I can see that it was my body adjusting.

By Sunday I was physically better; however, I was back to feeling crummy again. I wasn't sleeping well and I was getting grumpy again. I didn't realize, again, that it was happening. I didn't have the Ah ha! moment until about 4 o'clock this morning while I laid in my bed wide awake and thought back over the last few days. I realized that I had established a pattern. I was still depressed.

I am going to work doubly hard to overcome this monster. It's so frustrating to be in this place. It has got to be a chemical problem in my brain...because I am doing everything in my power to NOT feel like this. Thank heaven for a good husband, supportive friends, and a wonderfully amazing family (and that includes in laws!) I would be so lost if I did not have such an amazing support system. And if you are reading this blog, then you to are helping me through this. So, Thank you, Blog Readers. You're pretty great!

How to Survive Taking a Long Roadtrip Alone with 3 Young Children

So, based on a recent experience of driving 200 miles alone with my children, this is my list of advice to you. If you really are brave enough (or stupid enough) to do as I have done....travelling alone with small children.

1. You may let the children have drinks in the car while you are driving. However, this is not a good idea. They WILL spill. No matter the precautions you take to avoid the mess, it will happen. Keep your cool. There is no reason to get to bent out of shape. Spilling drinks will probably be the least of your worries.

2. Avoid road construction at all costs. Road construction will only lengthen your trip and make your children antsy. There is nothing exciting to keep them entertained staying still on the highway. Even better advice? Keep it moving. Don't stop unless there are bodily fluids leaking from your children. Just. Keep. Driving.

3. With number two in mind, if your baby becomes hungry during the trip, it is still better to keep moving. If I were you, I would mix the bottle, (while keeping one hand on the wheel and one eye on the road) then reach back to the baby in the car seat and feed her the bottle all while keeping the car safely between the yellow lines.

4. If you must stop? Do so quickly and without drawing attention to yourself; because you cannot guarantee that you can make it out of any rest stop or gas station with your dignity in tact. Just keep your head down. If your children insist that they MUST GO TO THE BATHROOM (and you cannot find a place to drop them on the side of the highway) then stop at the gas station and escort them quickly to the bathroom making as little noise as possible. After you have completed the bathroom break, leave quickly. The less time they see your face the quicker they will forget it.

5. During said bathroom runs, make sure that everyone is done with their business before moving away from the toilet. You never know when they might start spewing unexpected fluids. It's true. You never know when they may begin to vomit. After telling you that they only need to potty....they may instead start throwing up all of that red juice that I advised against giving them. Keep them close to the toilet so that the red vomit will not go all over the floor and running down the side of the toilet bowl leaving you with no alternative but to alert the employee standing outside the bathroom door. The employee who is standing there looking at you like you came in to the gas station on this very day JUST TO RUIN HER DAY. She might look at you like you've lost your mind if you ask what she might have for you to clean up this mess. She might just kill you dead with her look.

6. Just one more thing about bathroom stops. Keep conversation to a minimum and take as few items in with you as possible. Even better? Leave your four year old in the hallway to wait for you. (I'm just kidding, people! I wouldn't actually leave her alone in the gas station!!) So, when you go in to the bathroom do not bring that bottle that your baby may be trying to finish. It's best to leave it in the car. Because? Because that bottle may lead to unwanted questions from your four year old. The conversation you have with your four year old may go something like this:

Mommy, is that the bottle's penis?

What?!

Is that the penis? Does the bottle have a penis? Just like Drew?

No, bottles don't have penises. It's called a nipple.

(Freud may have had something with that penis envy theory! Lily has been preoccupied with the fact that her brother has an extra body part. And...She. Wants. One.)

In conclusion, I would recommend the buddy system when traveling with children. Bring your spouse, or partner, or friend, or babysitter. Do not do it alone. Your sanity is at stake!

Why a Day at the Farm Is Worth One Year of Therapy

Today the kids and I headed to the farm for a visit. The farm and visiting my grandparents makes me happy. Like deep down in my soul. Happy like I was when I was Lily's age. (Sorry for the sappy, Mamaw.) Anyway...we went to the farm today. It's about an hour and 40 minute drive, so we don't go for the day very often. Today's trip there was so eventful that I saved a future blog post just for talking about the drive.

However, this blog post is about the day that saved me a year in therapy.

I spent an hour and a half weeding in Mamaw's garden. She has a huge and magnificent garden and I never have time or energy to work on my own garden at home, so it doesn't feel like work to me. More like therapy. I love working in the garden. I don't know how to explain it. I never understood the activity until I was an adult. I never understood why my mom would work so hard in her garden...I would think to myself that she should just sit and have a cold Pepsi or something. Now, I totally get it. I could have spent my whole day there if I hadn't had the children with me.

Drew and Mamaw took a lovely nap together. Usually when we are out and about I have to have the "nap fight" with Drew. He really doesn't fight it much...but, it just takes a long time for him to fall asleep and usually when we are out and about, I would rather not be in the bedroom waiting for my 2 year old to fall asleep. So, anyway, he and Mamaw had a nice rest while I weeded the garden.

Drew and Lily get to see where we come from. The farm, where my grandparents live, is the farm that my Papaw spent a lot of his childhood. And my Mamaw went to high school near by. I'm pretty sure my grandpa said that they met when he noticed her "nice legs in her tennis shorts" one afternoon soon after he graduated from high school. (I could be wrong about the timing, but I know it involved nice legs and tennis shorts.) Anyway, my mom spent all of her summers on the farm because both of her grandmas were close. There is so much to learn on a farm and I am so glad my children get to have the experiences they do when we go there. Like: 1. taking a ride with Mamaw on the Ranger to get the mail. 2. gathering eggs and feeding the chickens. 3. checking the vegetable garden to see if there is anything ready to eat. 4. playing with the dogs. Lily had a wonderful time playing with their millions of dogs. She stayed busy all afternoon ordering the dogs around. Patient dogs. 5. watching a giant tractor being unloaded from a giant trailer....by an old man, in overalls, with a gun (yes, a gun. i guess he just had it in the tractor. so after he parked it, he came over with the gun to say hi.), an old man that I'm pretty sure I saw zip his fly as he walked up to say hello.

A big bowl of comfort food. For lunch on this day we had a Heim tradition. We had pasta with tomato juice. However, the magic of Mamaw is that she didn't actually have tomato juice; so she made "tomato juice" with what she had in her cupboard. She turned it into a magnificent meal with what she had on hand. There is no one on the planet that can whip up a meal like Mamaw. She uses whatever is in her kitchen and it's ALWAYS GOOD! I had 3 giant bowls of the noodles as well as some fresh fruit salad. Yummy. There is nothing like a meal from Mamaw's kitchen.

Sipping iced lemonade on the veranda (back porch). The conversation flows easily with Mamaw and we had a lovely chat out on the back porch while the kids played on, around, and in the cellar. Who actually has cellars these days? Just another experience that my children are getting that they could get nowhere else. Anyway, while we sipped our cold lemonade sweet Julianna crawled for the first time! Pretty awesome.

One last thing. If you are a farm regular, you will know who I am about to talk about. Mamaw, however, doesn't want me to mention his name on the blog because "we just don't know who is reading." So, the guy who lives across the street from the farm; he's called "The Squire". That guy was doing his yard work in his Speedo. Yup, that's right. On the western plains of Kansas the neighbor nicknamed THE SQUIRE was wearing a SPEEDO in the middle of the afternoon OUTSIDE OF HIS HOUSE!

Can you see why this place is heaven on Earth?
(Again, Mamaw, sorry for the sappy.)

Shoe Shopping

Shoe shopping. What more could a girl ask for? Today Lily and I did just that; shopped for new shoes for school. I was really looking forward to this activity with her. She is old enough to have her very own taste as well as some self-control when we are shopping. I thought it would be a good bonding experience for the two of us. Just a bit of girl time.


So, Grandma watched Drew while the girls and I went shopping. We started at the mall and I was planning on hitting 2 or 3 stores before making the final choice. Lily had something very specific in mind while shopping. She wanted "those shoes with the things on the bottom that make you jump higher" (Nike Shocks) and "sparkly fancy shoes that are like Hannah Montana." I was just hoping that I could convince her to go with something inexpensive and something I thought was cute, too. However, I did give her two rules: 1. The cannot be white. and 2. They cannot be expensive. She was totally okay with my rules.

At the first store she found a pair with the shocks that she liked but they didn't have her size. We also found a pair of multi-colored high tops, much like you might see Hannah Montana wearing. However, because they did not have both the "Hannah Montana AND Shocks" they would just NOT DO!! At the next store she found some very cute, black, sparkly shoes. I got them on her feet and she said she liked them.....Then she started jumping and realized that they did NOT make her jump any higher so they just would NOT DO!! You get the picture. And for some crazy reason I was completely okay with letting her go from store to store deciding against perfectly good shoes!!! WHAT WAS I THINKING?!

Finally, after hitting FIVE stores (and one store twice) I decided we were done at the mall. I thought that we could go to good ol' Target and find a perfectly good pair of sparkly shoes there. I even thought I had remembered seeing a pair of Nike look-a-likes there as well. NOPE!! There was not one shoe there that she was interested in trying on. Again, why am I letting the four year old decide?! Why did I just not stay at the first store and make her choose between 2 different shoes?! I just kept humoring my FOUR YEAR OLD!! I suppose she is my oldest and she is teaching me lessons. I am learning that even at four, they have a plan to get just what they want from you. :)

After all of this I decided to take her to one more store. I'm glad we went there because at this store they actually had employees that were there to help us decide on a size. The other nice thing was the guy stood over Lily until she decided between the 2 pair of shoes he actually had in her size. She finally chose. She was so excited about the shoes that she had them on in the car and just kept admiring them as we drove home. (She better like them!!!)

Do you remember way back to the beginning of this post? How she wanted the Nike shocks (seriously, what is the world coming to when a 4 year old is requesting such a silly thing?! how does she even know about such a thing?! i HATE trends!!!) and she really wanted sparkly Hannah Montana shoes (AGAIN WITH THE TREND!!). And I had two rules about not being expensive and not being WHITE. After all of our shopping? Do you know what happened? We ended up with expensive, white, non-sparkly shoes with no shocks. Have I lost my mind?

Day 15: Falling Off the Wagon

I'm not sure, but I think that the diet may have coincided with a burst in maturity for Lily. I hate to say that the diet didn't work; because it may have to a certain degree. But it may have not been the only factor of this awesome behavior. After a week straight of a nearly perfect Lily...we had a backslide. She started having some meltdowns again. They weren't horrific, but noticably difficult. Now, if you read regularly, you know that I've also been depressed for the past few weeks (AT LEAST) so some of the backslide could have been because her mom wasn't fully engaged. Who knows! However, despite strict diet restrictions, her behaviors came back.

That being said, I think that she's really grown up during these past few weeks. She is able to play for longer periods of time. She's also able to play with Drew without being a basket case when he decides to not follow all of her directions. Her outbursts are not lasting nearly as long and not ruining the whole rest of the day as they used to. Her misbehavior has become more sophisticated and age appropriate. She ignores us when we give her directions, she continues to struggle with impulse control, and she is scary good at sneaking things around the house. So, at first I thought all the sweet behavior was because of the diet, but now I'm thinking that some of it could be because she is just growing up.

I do think that her energy is a healthier more focused since the diet began. And I think that I'm going to keep her on a gluten-free diet for awhile longer. I am also going to continue to restict sugar from their diet. It can't be a bad thing to this way and my children love eating healthy, fresh, natural foods.

The biggest lesson is that there is nothing that is not worth a try for the sake of your kids. I would not consider this diet a waste of time. It has expanded my knowledge of health and wellness. It has given me new ideas for healthy eating. Opened my eyes to an entire world of yummy sugar-free options. I just don't think it had quite the effect on Lily that we originally had thought. However, it does make her one healthy girl. So, as far as the diet goes, I hope to stay sitting on the wagon with my feet hanging off the end for a pretty long time.

The Fog is Lifting

If this is how you normal people are feeling all the time, I may be on these drugs for the rest of my life! I am noticing all sorts of things now that I am out of the fog. My house was way more disgusting than I'd even like to admit. My children are not nearly as annoying as when I'm in the fog. And, I really feel like getting out of bed to accomplish something. I don't even think the drugs have even kicked in all the way...but I'm feeling great!


I am so grateful that I am living in an era that it's okay to seek help. I am also grateful that I live in an era that I have an automatic dishwasher, washing machine, and dryer. I can't imagine how far I could have sunk into the abyss if I didn't have modern conveniences to keep from drowning in a mess of dirty clothes, dishes, and diapers. Our house is still too dirty to be company ready any time this week, but it is not like I have to go and scrub the dishes and beat my clothes on a rock by the river. (I'm pretty sure my great-grandmother had to do that. Along with picking cotton and leaving her toddler aged children to fend for themselves at home.)


It is not easy to be grateful when you are in the midst of a depression. It is only easy to see how you are failing and the world is crumbling. It was hard for me to see, until now, that it must have been difficult for my husband to come home to a mess, with no dinner cooked, no clean socks, and a grumpy wife without saying something mean or condescending. He was really a gentleman through this entire phase. What a relief it is to be married to my best friend that gets me on a level that I don't even see. What a testament to our relationship that we made it through without hurting each other.

Lily had also had to do some growing up during this time. She has had to really step up to be the big sister because her mom was sort of unable to focus or get motivated to do much of anything. Despite her usual melt downs (that may have been a reflection of my mood as much as hers) she has really stepped up to be a big helper. She has been getting Drew drinks from the bathroom sink, and offered to change diapers, and has even washed dishes. What a big girl!! So sad that the reason she was doing all those things is because her Mom wasn't; but I am proud of her nonetheless!

Thank Heaven Good Friends and Sweet Babies

Babies who transition easily, that is! I'm so happy to report that Julianna has had no problem switching to formula. This alleviates some of the guilt that comes with this transition. The only problem we are having now is that she wants to continue to graze all day like she did when I was nursing. She will take two ounces and then wait an hour before she takes another two ounces. However, I'm sure she will get used to taking more as time goes on. She is a trooper!

I have not really started to feel the affects of the new medication that the doctor is trying. It is incredibly frustrating! I'm sure it's bound to help soon, but I need it to start now! The meds may not be working, but I am so grateful for a network of supportive family and friends! It is amazing the amount of encouragement that I have received since revealing my struggle with PPD. I've received emails, phone calls, and sweet messages. It is so nice to know there are people out there pulling for me. :) Thank you.
*************************************
This should have been a whole new post, but I can't get it to cut and paste to a new post. Rather than typing the whole thing again...it's just going to be a long post!

A couple of days ago Lily was going over to Mimi's house to do art with her friend Abby. I was planning to go get my drivers license renewed while I was down to two children. However, my friend Andrea offered to watch Drew so that I could just run quick and get the license without having to worry about my 2 year old running around the DMV. But when I went to go drop him off...she told me she wanted to keep Julianna, too! (For those of you who don't know Andrea, she has 3 children herself. Ages 3, 2, and 4 months) I argued with her, but she wouldn't take no for an answer. AND THEN SHE SENT ME TO GET A PEDICURE, HER TREAT! She is awesome and I don't know what I would do without her. :)

Now, I'm about to reveal something embarrassing to the Internet. I think it's a funny story and since you guys already know about my deepest struggle, you get to know about this, too.

That day when I was going to get my drivers licence I got dressed in real clothes for the picture. I know, I know, no matter what, the picture is going to be bad. But, I just wanted to make a small effort to have a good picture. ANYWAY, I was wearing a skirt, but I had NO CLEAN UNDERWEAR!! You have to understand, these days I am just trying to function enough that my kids are fed and mostly clean. I am behind on the laundry and the dishes, and the vacuuming, and just about every chore there is to running a household. So, no clean undies. But, hey, I was only running to get the driver's license. NO PROBLEM! :)

However, this is before I knew that Andrea was going to FORCE me to get a pedicure. I didn't even think about it until I showed up to get the pedi. I was sitting in the waiting area...watching the other women get their feet scrubbed, and rubbed, and toes painted....and I thought to myself, "NO UNDERWEAR!! How will I get a pedicure without pulling a Brittany Spears and revealing me lady parts!! Oh my HEAVEN!!" But, what could I do? Andrea had already called me to make sure that I WAS GETTING THAT PEDICURE!!! Making sure I was doing something for me rather than buy that shirt I had promised Tom. I had to do it...there was no way out!

Luckily, to my surprise, the put a towel over my knees to help hide what was under the skirt. I may have died from embarrassment if it weren't for the towel! So, there you go, Internet. Just another day in the life of a depressed, ADHD, stay-at-home-mom that needs to do the laundry and get out of the house a little more often! :)

Yes, I can hear you David

I had a pretty serious post yesterday that was pretty personal. I can hear my brother-in-law, David, screaming at his computer about how crazy I am for sharing that with the Internet. So, I thought I would just do a post explaining why I was so open about my struggle with PPD.

1. It helps to get it out and in the open. If people know I am struggling, then they can offer kind words of encouragement and not judge me when Lily doesn't have her shoes on. Because I am just trying to get everyone out the door with clean diapers and underwear on...shoes are a minor detail.

2. I hope that by sharing my story that someone out there that is struggling with the same issue, or something like it, can read my blog and feel like they are not alone. Depression is a pretty lonely place and doesn't really like company...so if someone feels like they aren't the only one, it can lift their spirits.

3. Lastly, mental illness is not anything to be ashamed of. Like any other illness, you have to do everything you can to overcome it. This blog is one of the ways that I am overcoming.

So, thanks David for your concern. But, I am totally okay with sharing this with strangers. I have no idea WHY it makes me feel better, but it does! (also, i didn't do this to make you feel bad, i just did it because I thought it was funny; based on previous conversations with you about my blog and what i share.)

Sad

I had to make a heartbreaking decision. Well, it wasn't really a decision, more like I was forced to stop something that is important to me. I am so sad. However, it was an extremely important step to take for everyone's health and well being. I have been suffering from a pretty serious case of postpartum depression (PPD) for a few weeks now. I guess it has been here for a few months really, but it has gotten to the point that I could not ignore it anymore. I couldn't sleep and I couldn't eat and I had pretty much checked out of everything outside of the house. I didn't actually notice the signs. All I noticed was that I couldn't focus and that I couldn't sleep. I concluded (and even talked about on this blog) that it was my ADHD.

Last week when I went to the doctor I was looking for a small dose of a stimulant medication that I could take while nursing. I explained to him that I couldn't sleep, couldn't focus, and I felt like I wanted to rip my hair out everyday. He just looked at me and said that he didn't think that it was my ADHD and that I was depressed. He said that we needed to be concerned if I wasn't sleeping and I couldn't focus throughout my day. To be honest, those are the two reasons I was sitting in his office. However, I am prone to depression and have been since I was 15 years old (or maybe sooner) and I had taken precautions to avoid this very thing before having Julianna. I started a small dose of antidepressant medication a few weeks before she was born. So, that day in the doctor's office, he tripled my dose and asked to see me in one week. He said that if the increased dosage didn't show results then we would have to make some tough choices about my decision to breastfeed.

Fast forward to Monday. Julianna and I had an appointment that afternoon and the whole day before that I was trying to decide what I was going to tell the doctor. I had had moments of joy mixed in with moments of craziness all that week. I was completely devastated at the thought of having to quit nursing because I couldn't hack it. But, I knew that all of my children and my husband were suffering so that I could make just one healthy choice for one of them. In reality only 14% of women are still nursing their babies at six months and the health benefits for baby drastically drop off after the six month mark. So, realistically, I had made it past that mark and then some. It wouldn't hurt Julianna if I had to stop at this point. So I told the doctor the truth. I used the example that if I had children that went to school everyday, I would be going right back to bed after they left. So he shared with me that he thought it would be best to stop nursing and try some stronger medications. He said that he only recommends to stop nursing to one to two women a year; but, that given my situation, he would recommend that I stop.

I can't tell you how sad this makes me. I understand that in a couple of weeks when we have a schedule worked out and everyone is used to bottle feeding that this situation will seem like a distant past. However, it's hard now and it hurts now. I do want to feel better and I do want to become the mother that I was before the PPD. It just stinks that I have to give up something so precious to do it. I'm sure Julianna will never blame me for cheating her out of the last 5 months of nursing. She won't tell me that the reason she didn't get a 36 on the ACT was because I only nursed her for 7 months. But it is so sad to be at the point of stopping. I will never be here again. I will never have another baby. But, the thing is, I will also never have this time with my family again. Lily will never be 4 1/2 years old again. And Drew will never be 2 1/2 again. I don't want to miss that! I don't want to be consumed by this illness and lose precious time with my kids.

Day 9: We're sticking with it.

I have to say, I'm pretty proud of myself. I have managed to keep Lily on a very strict diet for over a week now. It hasn't been easy. I've had to get very creative and think outside the box. We've been eating lots of leftovers for lunches rather than the usual peanut butter and jelly. They have been eating LOTS of fruit and it seems like Lily is NEVER full. She is always saying she is hungry and is scrounging for something to eat. I don't know that I would believe that she's always hungry, but everytime I put something in front of her she gobbles it right up!

We have made a couple of mistakes since we started this diet. On Sunday I was out of town with friends at a baby shower. Tom was in charge of lunch and snacks. I left some rice pasta out of him to make for their lunch; however, he didn't see the extra box of rice pasta in the cupboard so he mixed in a few regular noodles to fill in. Then at snack time he gave the kids some Chex party mix. The crazy thing is?! Lily was a little wacky that evening. Not too bad, but just a bit wacky.

Today we went to the zoo with friends and then went to Taco Bell for lunch. I thought that I could get away with feeding her the fast food and just avoid the cheese. She did a spectacular job in the restaurant. I gave them each a crunchy taco and a bowl of beans (hold the cheese). They had water to drink and Lily did not throw a major fit when she realized that her friends were having pop. She did a good job of following directions and stayed in her chair to eat...which was good, because it was a tall chair....good for lots of squirming!! :) When she finished her first taco she asked if she could have another one. I gave her a dollar and she ordered all by herself! She thought she was big time. She kept telling me, "Get back, Mom. I can do it."

Tonight she was a ball of spaz. She had a hard time at dinner. She screamed and yelled at us and threw herself on the floor when she didn't get her way. It seems totally bogus that a taco could have such an effect on a child, but holy cow! What else can explain a sudden change back to the old Lily? The Lily we haven't seen in over a week!? I had kind of gotten used to the new Lily. I guess it's just another reason to stick with this diet. So, if you have any ideas for gluten-free, dairy-free, sugar-free recipes...let me know!

Seven Months

Julianna is now 7 months which makes Lily 4 1/2 and Drew 2 1/2 years old. I just can't believe how fast time is going now. There are only 20 days until Lily starts preschool again. She will be going 5 days a week which I think is a blessing for everyone. Yesterday in the car she asked me if she was going to make new friends at school. I told her I thought she might...and I could tell she was excited at the prospect. I have gotten used to her new found self-control and even tempered demeanor and I think it will be easier for her to make friends this year at school. I just hope I can be organized enough to start her days off right.

Anyway, back to Julianna. :) She had a check-up yesterday because she was behind on her shots. So, we did her weight check and 6 month shots yesterday. She weighed 14 lbs 7 oz. She is gaining about 1 pound every month, which is moving in the right direction! However, she is still in the 9th percentile for weight and the 65th percentile for length. That makes her one long skinny worm!

Julianna has been a good sleeper from day one (pretty much). I think partly it is because she likes to suck her thumb, which makes it easy for her to self soothe. She always starts out in the same position when I put her in the crib. She sleeps on her right side, with her right thumb in her mouth, her left arm up over her face, and her legs crossed. I love that...I took a picture, because I know even though I think I will remember, I probably won't. :) Today is my birthday, which is just another reminder of how quickly time passes and how lucky I am to be home with my kids.