Honored

The most amazing thing happened today. Well, first of all, my good friend Myca gave birth to a beautiful and long awaited baby girl, Lauren Marie, who was born at 6 AM this morning. She is gorgeous and amazing and I am so happy for Myca and her husband John.

The happiness I feel for John and Myca could be an entire post long, but, selfishly, I want to tell you about what Myca shared with me this morning.

Everyone knows how I feel about breastfeeding. I have breastfed all three of my children for several months, and although it was really tough to do, I would do it all over again. It is an amazing thing to share with your children. You can read about my struggle with having to stop here and here. I had to stop nursing, most recently, because I had such a serious case of postpartum depression that my doctor wanted me to take some stronger medication that I couldn't take while I was breastfeeding. It was with a heavy heart that I stopped just three months ago.

Ever since Myca found out that she was pregnant with this baby she and I have talked about her desire to breastfeed. Since very early on in her pregnancy our friend Andrea and I have shared as much information as we could as well as stories of personal experience with Myca so that she could feel as prepared as possible for that part of parenting. Andrea and I have shared with her the good, the bad and the ugly hoping that knowledge would make the process easier.

Today, I was so lucky to be one of the first people to visit Myca and the baby. Like I said, she was born at 6 AM and I was on my way to the hospital at about 9:30! I'm crazy, I know. Myca really did say it was alright that I come. Really, she did. :)

So, anyway, when I first held the baby she cried like she was hungry. I gave her back to Myca and asked if she'd had a chance to nurse yet. She said she had, but only for a little bit. I asked if she wanted me to leave while she tried again and she told me it was okay to stay. Then Myca did the most amazing thing. She let me help her to get the baby latched. I know that might sound weird to some people, but I am so honored that she shared that with me. Nursing your baby is such an intimate thing and Myca let me be a part of that. Amazing. Thank you, Myca.

Sad

I had to make a heartbreaking decision. Well, it wasn't really a decision, more like I was forced to stop something that is important to me. I am so sad. However, it was an extremely important step to take for everyone's health and well being. I have been suffering from a pretty serious case of postpartum depression (PPD) for a few weeks now. I guess it has been here for a few months really, but it has gotten to the point that I could not ignore it anymore. I couldn't sleep and I couldn't eat and I had pretty much checked out of everything outside of the house. I didn't actually notice the signs. All I noticed was that I couldn't focus and that I couldn't sleep. I concluded (and even talked about on this blog) that it was my ADHD.

Last week when I went to the doctor I was looking for a small dose of a stimulant medication that I could take while nursing. I explained to him that I couldn't sleep, couldn't focus, and I felt like I wanted to rip my hair out everyday. He just looked at me and said that he didn't think that it was my ADHD and that I was depressed. He said that we needed to be concerned if I wasn't sleeping and I couldn't focus throughout my day. To be honest, those are the two reasons I was sitting in his office. However, I am prone to depression and have been since I was 15 years old (or maybe sooner) and I had taken precautions to avoid this very thing before having Julianna. I started a small dose of antidepressant medication a few weeks before she was born. So, that day in the doctor's office, he tripled my dose and asked to see me in one week. He said that if the increased dosage didn't show results then we would have to make some tough choices about my decision to breastfeed.

Fast forward to Monday. Julianna and I had an appointment that afternoon and the whole day before that I was trying to decide what I was going to tell the doctor. I had had moments of joy mixed in with moments of craziness all that week. I was completely devastated at the thought of having to quit nursing because I couldn't hack it. But, I knew that all of my children and my husband were suffering so that I could make just one healthy choice for one of them. In reality only 14% of women are still nursing their babies at six months and the health benefits for baby drastically drop off after the six month mark. So, realistically, I had made it past that mark and then some. It wouldn't hurt Julianna if I had to stop at this point. So I told the doctor the truth. I used the example that if I had children that went to school everyday, I would be going right back to bed after they left. So he shared with me that he thought it would be best to stop nursing and try some stronger medications. He said that he only recommends to stop nursing to one to two women a year; but, that given my situation, he would recommend that I stop.

I can't tell you how sad this makes me. I understand that in a couple of weeks when we have a schedule worked out and everyone is used to bottle feeding that this situation will seem like a distant past. However, it's hard now and it hurts now. I do want to feel better and I do want to become the mother that I was before the PPD. It just stinks that I have to give up something so precious to do it. I'm sure Julianna will never blame me for cheating her out of the last 5 months of nursing. She won't tell me that the reason she didn't get a 36 on the ACT was because I only nursed her for 7 months. But it is so sad to be at the point of stopping. I will never be here again. I will never have another baby. But, the thing is, I will also never have this time with my family again. Lily will never be 4 1/2 years old again. And Drew will never be 2 1/2 again. I don't want to miss that! I don't want to be consumed by this illness and lose precious time with my kids.

What to do

I'm having a delima. I have breastfed all of my children. I breastfed Lily exclusivly for the first six months. Even though I was actaully pumping more than I was physically nursing her, due to my work schedule, it was worth it. At the time it was extremely important to me. I couldn't be there for her all day, everyday like I wanted to, so breastfeeding was my way of staying connected to her. She started having formula regularly at about 6 months, but I continued to nurse her until she was about 9 months. With Drew, he never took a bottle once (and not always by my choice!) He went straight from the breast to a sippy cup at 10 months. Julianna is 6 and a half months old and I am completely happy nursing her. Although the first weeks of all of my baby's lives were difficult (to say the least) to get used to nursing, and being the baby's only source of nutirtion, it becomes really easy after that. I never have to remember to pack a bottle, or wash bottle, or spend 100s of dollars on formula. I know that they are getting the best food they can and it caters to my very disorganized life. I always have the boobs with me! I don't have them sitting in the sink waiting to be washed, the milk is never wasted, and it's always the right tempreture. I COMPLETELY understand why nursing doesn't work for everyone, but it is one of the joys of my parenting experience.

Now, you might be asking what the delima could be if I"m this happy nursing. Well, let me tell you. As I've had children, 3 in the past 4 1/2 years, my life has progressively become more chaotic. I don't really mind a bit of chaos, but these days, even I can't handle the stress that it's causing. Most days my house is embarrassingly dirty and cluttered and I can barely get organized enough to get out the door with 3 children. I have become short-tempered with my Lily; which is sad, because she is the child the needs the most patience. The worse the chaos gets, the harder it is to overcome. Every book in the universe about parenting says that kids thrive on predictability. These days, there is no predictibility for my children. I am flitting from one task to the next without completing anything. I give them directions and then forget what I ask them to do. Or, I will tell them, forget about it, and then later will get after them for not doing what I asked them to do. (even though I've forgotten too!) I know the biggest reason for all of this chaos is the fact that I have ADHD. And that medication could help me to overcome some of the problems I've been having. I could have more focus and energy to be a good mom.

Now, I know you people are all thinking, "Oh, being a mom is hard! Everyone goes through it." or "I lose my keys sometimes, too." or "Everyone gets short-tempered with their kids. It's part of life." However, I don't think that you're really getting just how hard it is for me to appear that I am functioning well. One example of this would be one time when I had all three children at a playgroup. I thought I had everything that I needed in the diaper bag. Wrong. That day Julianna pooped right out of her diaper and she was covered in poop. I got out to the car to get her changed (because I didn't actually have the diaper bag with me during the playgroup, as most moms do) and I find that I don't have a single diaper in the whole van that is her size. Not one. Usually in these types of situations my disorganization can play to my favor. I can usually find a diaper stashed somewhere in the mess. This day there was nothing but a size 5 diaper (drew's size, as she was in newborn size at this time!) So, I had to wrap her in the size 5 diaper and hope for the best. This may not seem like such a big deal....but if you line these small failures up over and over throughout a day, a week, or month after month, it can start to wear on a person's self confidence. I rarely feel like I have it all together, and my very loving (and organized) husband has to compensate for a lot.

So, now for the delima. It is the fact that I love to nurse my children. I was planning on nursing Julianna for the whole first year. She is my last, and I just really was hoping to make it to 12 months. However, there are no medications for ADHD that have been proven safe for nursing mothers. (I am not interested in the medication debate. If I had a bad thyroid, wouldn't I take medication to fix it? Well, ADHD is a brain problem, that can be helped with medication. So, for the first time since my diagnosis 2 years ago, I am ready to try meds.) Anyway, I just don't feel comfortable nursing while on medication. But, I feel like my two oldest children are not getting the best part of me because I'm staying medication free to nurse their baby sister. I also understand that there are several "natural" alternatives to treating ADHD. I could change my diet and maybe get a life coach to help me overcome some of problems I've been having. However, as far as the diet goes, I don't have enough focus to really impliment such a plan. I'm not a detail person. And, the life coach won't really make the symptoms go away. Anyway, I would be so sad to quit breastfeeding. Once I decide to stop, there is no going back. But, is my desire to nurse so much more important than the health and happiness of all three of my children?