kindness that helps to treat depression

If you've been reading this blog for the whole time I've been writing, you know that I have clinical depression. If you haven't read for the past 4 years, then now you know that I have clinical depression. I have the difficult to treat kind of depression. In the winter it become more difficult to do more than the basics required of me partly because of my depression. If you didn't know me, you wouldn't notice. But if you do know me, and you depend on me for something, you would notice easily. And because I have a difficult to treat type of depression I have had to take an add-on medication. It's a medication in addition to the normal antidepressant that people usually take. It is a wonderful medication that has made my life easier. In fact, the first time I took this medication, I wondered aloud to everyone, if this is how normal people feel every day, then I have missed out on some amazing things in life.

The reason I'm telling you all of this is because I have a story to tell. My story would not make sense if you didn't know that I struggle with depression and that I need medication to make life better. I took this medication after Julianna was born to help ease my postpartum depression. It is a very strong, and very expensive drug. However, when I took it with Julianna we'd already met our deductible for the year, so we never knew just how expensive this drug could have been out of pocket. This winter has been difficult. My doctor suggested I try this medication again. I agreed and was very happy with it until I went to fill the prescription for the first time this year. It turns out that this medication from Walgreen's would have been $549.00. Yes, you read that correctly. Five-hundred and forty-nine dollars. So, after much thought and reflection, I called my doctor to ask for a less expensive option. Basically, I found that there wasn't one. And the pharmacy at my doctor's office was selling the med for over $600.

Thankfully, my doctor's nurse referred me to a local pharmacy in Hutchinson, called Hutchinson Drug Store and told me to speak with Aaron.  Interestingly, I know Aaron and have been working out with him at the Y for over a year. I had once talked to him about moving my prescriptions to his pharmacy, but had never taken the time to do so; I wasn't sure how, and life was easier to just keep it the same. The nurse told me that Aaron generally was the most reasonably priced in Hutchinson. He suggested I call and find out if I could get my medication for less at his drugstore.

I called over there and spoke with a pharmacy technician. I did not give my name, only my dilemma. I was put on hold for about 45 seconds before Aaron came on the line to share that he knew of a coupon online that could get me this medication for free this month, and a discount card that could give me a discount on the medication for the rest of the year. He told me to come on down to his office and he would help me get it figured out.

I made it to his office about 30 minutes before he was to close for the night. He spent nearly an hour helping me get my prescription transferred to his pharmacy, get it filed correctly, and get my insurance figured out. He made many phone calls, gave me his office phone for me to talk to the right people and worked past his closing time to make it happen. Aaron not only filled my prescription, he went above and beyond to help me to afford the medication I was needing.

I can't ever thank him enough for doing this for me. I wish there was something more I could do than write a blog post to share my story. I will be telling anyone who will listen about this. I hope to support his small business and give him some free advertisement. It's the least I can do to repay him for all of his hard work. This kindness will not be forgotten.

And with that, I wish you all a Happy Valentine's Day.

Sad

I had to make a heartbreaking decision. Well, it wasn't really a decision, more like I was forced to stop something that is important to me. I am so sad. However, it was an extremely important step to take for everyone's health and well being. I have been suffering from a pretty serious case of postpartum depression (PPD) for a few weeks now. I guess it has been here for a few months really, but it has gotten to the point that I could not ignore it anymore. I couldn't sleep and I couldn't eat and I had pretty much checked out of everything outside of the house. I didn't actually notice the signs. All I noticed was that I couldn't focus and that I couldn't sleep. I concluded (and even talked about on this blog) that it was my ADHD.

Last week when I went to the doctor I was looking for a small dose of a stimulant medication that I could take while nursing. I explained to him that I couldn't sleep, couldn't focus, and I felt like I wanted to rip my hair out everyday. He just looked at me and said that he didn't think that it was my ADHD and that I was depressed. He said that we needed to be concerned if I wasn't sleeping and I couldn't focus throughout my day. To be honest, those are the two reasons I was sitting in his office. However, I am prone to depression and have been since I was 15 years old (or maybe sooner) and I had taken precautions to avoid this very thing before having Julianna. I started a small dose of antidepressant medication a few weeks before she was born. So, that day in the doctor's office, he tripled my dose and asked to see me in one week. He said that if the increased dosage didn't show results then we would have to make some tough choices about my decision to breastfeed.

Fast forward to Monday. Julianna and I had an appointment that afternoon and the whole day before that I was trying to decide what I was going to tell the doctor. I had had moments of joy mixed in with moments of craziness all that week. I was completely devastated at the thought of having to quit nursing because I couldn't hack it. But, I knew that all of my children and my husband were suffering so that I could make just one healthy choice for one of them. In reality only 14% of women are still nursing their babies at six months and the health benefits for baby drastically drop off after the six month mark. So, realistically, I had made it past that mark and then some. It wouldn't hurt Julianna if I had to stop at this point. So I told the doctor the truth. I used the example that if I had children that went to school everyday, I would be going right back to bed after they left. So he shared with me that he thought it would be best to stop nursing and try some stronger medications. He said that he only recommends to stop nursing to one to two women a year; but, that given my situation, he would recommend that I stop.

I can't tell you how sad this makes me. I understand that in a couple of weeks when we have a schedule worked out and everyone is used to bottle feeding that this situation will seem like a distant past. However, it's hard now and it hurts now. I do want to feel better and I do want to become the mother that I was before the PPD. It just stinks that I have to give up something so precious to do it. I'm sure Julianna will never blame me for cheating her out of the last 5 months of nursing. She won't tell me that the reason she didn't get a 36 on the ACT was because I only nursed her for 7 months. But it is so sad to be at the point of stopping. I will never be here again. I will never have another baby. But, the thing is, I will also never have this time with my family again. Lily will never be 4 1/2 years old again. And Drew will never be 2 1/2 again. I don't want to miss that! I don't want to be consumed by this illness and lose precious time with my kids.