my whole heart

Only on the most dreadful days of being a stay-at-home mom do I dream of finding a job. After Lily was born I worked because I had to. Don't get me wrong, I loved my job and the people I worked with, but my heart wasn't totally in it. I felt like because my heart was with Lily, I couldn't give enough to the children at work that needed me so much. Once I started staying home in August of 2006, I haven't looked back. I haven't regretted a second of staying home; and I have never really felt the urge to extend myself into a career.

I guess I should say that my career aspirations have always revolved around working with children in need. I have always loved working with kids with special needs or in special circumstances. If I hadn't had children so early, I probably would already have a masters degree in social work.  I would currently be saving the world one kid at a time. However, for me, my children consumed so much of my heart that there was no way I had room to give enough to any other child, let alone a high needs child at work. I pour myself into my family and I love and cherish every second of it.

Last week, on Lily's second day of school, there was a little boy standing outside her classroom. He looked sad, lost and nervous. I asked him if he was in Mrs. Law's (Lily's) class or did he know where he was going - he said that, yes, Mrs. Law was his teacher. I took him by the hand and lead him to the door. But Mrs. Law informed us that this little boy was actually in first grade now and that he'd been in her class last year. The poor baby had been dropped and left at the school for his first day of first grade! (It should have been his fourth day, as the other first graders had started on Monday.) So, Drew, Julianna and I walked him to his new classroom with his eyes brimming with tears. I tried to be encouraging. I told him that I was sure he would know some of the kids in his new class; and that I knew his new teacher personally, and she was super nice.

My heart is broken for this little boy. I just keep thinking about him and how sad it is that he'd been dropped and left to find his way. This is the first time in many years that I have felt such a strong urge to return to work. It is kids like that, that I want to make a difference for. Now, realistically, I will not be going back to work any time soon. I really want to be home with the kids until Julianna is at least in school all day. I may even stay home longer. I don't ever want to say to my kids, "I'm sorry, I would come to [fill in the blank], but I have to work." However, that moment, with that little boy, has put graduate school much higher on my immediate priority list. Who knows, maybe when Julianna starts kindergarten, I will be headed to school, too.

what seems like my new life...

I thought that having Lily at school until 3 o'clock would be plenty of time to get everything done. Wrong. I have been running around since 6:45 this morning and now that I have time to sit down, I shouldn't. I shouldn't because I still haven't showered. In all of that running around, I didn't manage a shower. I did, however, manage to: go workout for an hour, stop by the bank, run to Walgreen's for Drew's pictures for school, get Drew TWO new pair of shoes (one pair of unplanned soccer cleats (I couldn't resist) and a regular pair of tennis shoes for school from Target), and then we went to lunch with my family here from Washington. Whew. I really could use a shower but I haven't sat down all day and I still need to unload the dishwasher, load it back up, fold and switch the laundry and get something organized for dinner. Who was it that said that stay-at-home moms don't have a lot to do?

I miss Lily more than I thought possible, but she is doing better at school than I thought possible. She came home from school yesterday and seemed 5 years older than she was when she left for school in the morning. I can't believe that she's so grown-up. It baffles me that she is headed to school every morning - but I couldn't be happier for her. Drew also misses her. As soon as we got home from taking her to school I told him we were leaving and he asked if we were going to go pick up Lily. Then he asked again before lunch. We've driven by the school twice today (on our way to somewhere else) and he was searching the playground for her. I know that he'll get used to being away from her, but I can't imagine how it feels to have her away from his side, after Lily has been there to direct his every move from the moment he could move. :)

We are adjusting to life with a kindergartner, but I can't say that it's been totally easy. I was so consumed with the kids first day of school yesterday that I completely forgot Drew's first soccer practice! I am going to need some more ideas on how to keep things moving and organized so that the kids aren't missing stuff because mom forgot!! I had it written down in two places and a message saved on my phone. AHHHH! It's only going to get harder to coordinated schedules. I must do better!

I hope you all got a chance to watch the video I made for Lily. It makes me tear up every time I watch it. I can't believe that she's grown up so fast. You just can't even explain what it feels like to have your child go off to kindergarten. I kept seeing pictures of her and thinking that it was just last summer, only to realize that it was actually a three year old picture of her! Yikes!

Wordless Wednesday: Growing up...

my smoosh-able children

I thought that since I have been neglecting the blog I'd give you some updated pictures. Turns out Lily doesn't mind if I put her picture on the blog, but I am going to keep most of her escapades and antics off of here for now. She is currently experimenting with having her own blog, but we're going to keep that private. If you'd like to follow her blog let me know!

I'm hoping with school starting back up, I will have more time to sit down in front of the computer and share our story. I hope I didn't lose all of my readers during my hiatus! 

putting a little change in the piggy bank that he made with papa.

julianna has perfected her cheesy grin

sometimes i just can't help but smoosh her!

looking good with a dab of make-up

whacking amendment

Tom says I should amend the whack whack!! post because I didn't give you all the details. Apparently, not only did they hear "whack", they said it, too. They stood at the side of the camper and whacked the side of it all while yelling, "WHACK! WHACK! WHACK!"

Now, that's good stuff.

whack whack!!

Last weekend Tom and the kids were helping his mom to wax her motor home. The kids didn't hear "waxing" they heard "whacking". So, they just stood there with their rags whacking the motor home. Literally.

the one where i actually post

I am not funny. But my kids are, so that's good.

Today we celebrated my nephew Tate's birthday at my sister's house. There was a inflatable water slide, baby pools, a moon walk, water balloons and even water guns. At one point, while my brother was filling Drew's water gun, he noticed something gross on Drew's chest; so he said, "Hey, Drew, what's on your chest?" And Drew answered, "Nothing. Just my nipples."

I should regret teaching my children so much about their bodies. But, I don't, so that's good.

New commitments

I don't want to just be a mommy blogger. Which is hard because I am a mommy who blogs. I love writing the stories of my life and most of them involve my children. However, with Lily getting older and starting school, I feel like her stories aren't my stories to share anymore. This whole "avoiding the mommy blogging" thing is the reason there hasn't been an update in awhile. I am struggling with which direction to take the blog, what I feel comfortable still sharing and figuring out what to talk about when my life still revolves around my children.

I do have one thing though! It's exciting and has nothing to do with children!

Recently, I made a commitment to myself. I decided that I needed to to do more for me. That might sound selfish, but as I mentioned earlier, everything revolves around my children right now. That's not always a good thing for a person's mental and emotional health, nor is it very good for the brain. So, I made a commitment to read more and watch TV less. I have recently even tried to get Tom to give up cable all together. No luck. However, even with all the options cable television offers, nothing compares to a good book. In these last few months, I have read more books than I had in the last 5 years combined. And it's been awesome.

A few months ago, I told Tom that since I was turning 30 this year, I wanted a special present. I didn't give him much direction, so he was pretty much on his own. I should also say that Tom and I don't really exchange gifts with any regularity. We live on a budget, buy what we need and that's that. It was a big deal to ask for a gift, let alone a "special" one. But, I have to say, he knocked it out of the park with this one! He got me a Kindle. If you don't know what that is, it's an electronic book that I can download books onto. 3,500 books AT ONE TIME. I cannot even explain how perfect this gift was for me. Needless to say, I am extremely happy with my birthday present!

Whew. That wasn't so hard. I can write about something other than children! I hope that you guys keep reading as I try to navigate parenting in a new stage. I am on the tail-end of babies and speeding straight towards childhood. The blogging possibilities are endless...I just have to figure out where my niche is. It will be fun discovering out who I am and how I've changed as I emerge from the baby fog.

Just a note. . .

I feel like since I'm turning 30 the day after tomorrow, I should be posting some sort of reflective post, all about getting older and looking back on my life up until this point. The only thing that keeps running through my mind is what I'd like to say to my younger self at certain points in my life. So, I've written a few notes to my younger self and here they are:

July, 1996-- I am about to turn 16 and just started dating my first real boyfriend. If I could just write a quick note to 16 year old Taylor it would go like this:

Dearest Taylor,

You will not marry this boy. He's nice, he's fun and he will teach you many things. However, there is no need to take this relationship too seriously. You should instead take your homework more seriously and go to swim practice. Also, be nice to your parents. They may be a bit strict, but they will be there when you screw up 1000 times in your very near future.

Love,

Taylor in 2010

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May, 2001 Age: 20 The note to my lost little 20 year old self would go something like this:

Taylor,

There is no need to transfer to K-State. You will be no happier there than you are at ESU. You will not marry this boy. He's nice, he's fun and he will teach you many things. However, there is no need to take this relationship too seriously. If you go to KSU you will lose this boyfriend, your best friend from high school AND it will cost you tons of money. STAY AT EMPORIA. Major in Rehabilitation Studies, you will meet a professor of Rehab. that will change the course of your life. It would be good to meet him now, rather than later. Also, you've eaten too much cafeteria food. Go swim some laps!

Love,

Me

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May, 2004 Age: 23 At this point, I'm living in Kansas City and just starting my first real job after college.

Dear Taylor,

You don't know it right now, but you're pregnant. You should not marry this boy. He seems nice, he seems fun and he will teach you many things. However, there is no need to marry him. You will find out days after you marry this guy that you are expecting a baby. This guy is not nice, not fun and he will teach you many horrible lessons. It's okay that you're pregnant, but it will be much easier for everyone if you don't marry him. Remember how I told you to be nice to your parents? Well, they are about to save your life. It's time to be really  nice to them.

Love,

Taylor

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

May, 2005 Age: 24 At this point I am a single mom, living with my parents and starting a new job. Also, I have been talking to Tom on the phone every day for several months at this point. However, I've been keeping my feelings for him to myself.

Dear Taylor,

You will marry this guy. He is nice, he is fun and he will teach you many things. Marrying him will the best decision you will ever make. Be confident, you are not wrong about this one. Your life will soon be taking a turn for the way better. Be patient, be kind and don't screw it up. Also, you kick ass at the mommy gig! Loosen up though, everything and everyone are going to turn out just fine.

Love,

Me

Style Series: Drew gets in the game

My favorite part? The socks!! Yay for brown and green long socks with rain boots when the temperature is set to reach 100 today. These are not the greatest pictures, but he's not into posing for me like his sister is.