understanding the unthinkable

Do any of you remember Andrea Yates? She is the woman who killed her 5 young children by drowning them in a bathtub. Many people jumped on the bandwagon to demonize her and hang her out to dry. However, if you read the back story, you might see the gray area, and understand why you might not want to assume malicious behavior on her part. You can read more about her case by clicking on her name and reading a better description and history of her life and case. However, the short version is she was started having babies with her husband Rusty. They were living in a renovated bus. She suffered from a very severe case of postpartum depression and tried to commit suicide. She was hospitalized and diagnosed with major depressive disorder.

In 1999 Andrea was living in a 350 square foot converted bus, believing the sermons of an extremist minister, homeschooling her four children and having psychotic episodes. In that same year she held a knife to her own throat and pleaded with her husband to let her die. Her husband also knew of her having hallucinations, but failed to share this with her psychiatrist. Doctors advised the couple against having any more children.

In 2000, upon her husband urging, Andrea became pregnant with her fifth child. In 2001, despite her continued struggle with psychosis, major depression and the like, her husband returned to work after their fifth child was born. One day in June of 2001, Andrea succumb to her hallucinations and killed all five of her children by drowning them in the bathtub. She said it was because she "wasn't a good mother" and "they weren't developing correctly." But, really, the woman was psychotic, her husband failed to take action to help her, and she did the only thing she thought she could do to "save" her children.

This is a devastating story. So many things could have happened leading up to the death of these children that could have saved them. In my opinion a lot of the responsibility falls to her husband. He knew she was sick, he knew she shouldn't have more babies, he knew that she was struggling. Yet, he continued to leave her living in a bus, homeschooling five young children and allowed for the psychotic episodes to continue. He knew that his children might be unsafe under her care. However, he did nothing to protect his children.

In 2006, Andrea was found not guilty by reason of insanity. This is after she had spend five years in a federal prison serving a life sentence for first degree murder. This is a tragic story that shines the light on the importance of mental health, following treatment plans and taking your medications. It also show just how important having supportive, well educated, spouses, partners, friends and family when someone is suffering from a mental illness. I believe this tragedy could have been prevented if only Andrea Yates' husband had been paying attention and taking care of his wife. In all honesty, I would have charged the husband with reckless endangerment. But, that's a different post altogether.

I bring up this story because recently, a 24 year old woman, Christina N. Devine, in Emporia, Kansas gave birth to a healthy baby boy. She then placed him in a trash bag, closed it up and threw her baby away in a trash dumpster. After that, she bought a chocolate milkshake and went to work. You can read about her story here.

When I first read the story I was flabbergasted. I was angry and shocked. I wanted to understand why she would do such a thing. As I type this I am still sickened by this terrible act. I can not imagine throwing my baby away. But, also, as I sit here today, I have to wonder what is also going on with this girl. I know that she really could be that cold blooded and disgusting. I also know that there could have been a mental breakdown. There could have been something that lead to this terrible act. We may never know. We may never understand. But, once again, it's always good to have all the facts before demonizing someone.

i was still planning on working out.

Last night I went to bed at 9:30 pm. I set my alarm for 5:20 am so that I could go workout.

Last night Drew woke up a little while later, crying and very upset. He could give us no reason as to why he was awake or upset. He did not want to be comforted, did not want a drink, did not want us to look at him, touch him, stand next to his bed or breath in his direction. Tom and I became frustrated with each other, both thinking that the other was doing something wrong (neither one of us was doing anything wrong). Tom went back to bed. I stayed and had Drew yell at me and kick around his bed for a few more minutes. Then I told him I was going back to bed. This did not make him happy, but I went anyway.

I was still planning on working out.

At about 10, or a little after, Drew had calmed down and was standing at the top of the basement steps (our bedroom is in the basement). He stood quietly without saying anything for a few minutes. I think he was trying to decide if he was going to continue to be stubborn, or actually tell us what was wrong. Finally, he says, "Mom! I want you to come up here, please!" I went up, he let me pick him up, so I carried him back to his bed. He said that he had a tummy ache and that he thought he had sand in his eyes from Mimi's house. So, I got him a wet washcloth and tried to lay it across his eyes. "NO!! I want it warm! This isn't helping!" I don't know how, but I did manage to get him to lay down and calm down. He started yawning and getting sleepy. He then farted 7 times in a row. Hmmm...I guess the tummy ache is taken care of. So, I tired to make my escape. He let me go with very little resistance.

I was still planning on working out.

I got back in bed a reported to Tom about his gas, saying that he'd probably go back to sleep now. Then the crying began again. "MOM! I need you! MOM!! LAY WITH ME!!" I grabbed my pillow and told Tom that Drew had won. I was going to sleep in his bed for awhile. Tom rolled over, looked at the clock (10:30), "Oh my god! You were up there for 30 minutes already!? No wonder I went back to sleep!" Gee, thanks, Tom. I took my pillow and went up and laid with Drew until he was WAY asleep.

I was still planning on working out.

Drew was awake again at 1 AM. Tom went to him.

I was still planning on working out.

Drew was up at 4 AM.

I reset my alarm for 6:25.

I guess I'm going to go workout after I drop the boy off at school. Thank heaven for school sometimes.

pretty patterns and prints

here she is doing a spin so we can see the whole thing. her idea.

I went shopping for new clothes for the kids yesterday. I got lots of leggings and clothes in bright colors. By this age Lily was dressing herself. So, this morning I encouraged Julianna to pick out something to wear.

She had a definite opinion and this is what she came up with, despite Lily's best efforts to steer her in another direction.

I like it.

studio space

Lily has an art area in our house. We have a tiny space in the back of the kitchen that could be called a breakfast nook. If you're using the term loosely. Very loosely. Anyway, most days you can find Lily in her art area. She spends a lot of time their unwinding after school and it's sometimes where I send her when she's starting to get a little wild. I'm pretty sure it's her favorite place in the house. And I'm pretty sure that if I would let her, she would take all of her art supplies and take them to her room and use that as her studio.

The above picture is a bit of a daydream of mine. Someday....someday....we will move from this house. And when our new home search begins, on the list of my deal breakers for the next house? An art studio for Lily. And not just a tiny "breakfast nook" off the kitchen. A whole room where she can paint the walls, spill stuff on the floor and let her love for art explode.

One of Tom's deal breakers for the next house is a big garage. He owns a vintage car that he'd like to restore at our house. Maybe a part of Tom's giant garage could be partitioned off to become Lily's art space. Or maybe there will be an extra room in our new basement that Lily can take over. How we're going to make it work remains to be seen. But it will happen.

Until this happens Lily's making it work with what she has. Lily has gated off her area with a baby gate and last night she hung a sign on the gate: No People Allowed. Art is an important part of Lily's life and she can't be bothered with people while she's creating. Yes, ma'am.

drew! the ball! where's the ball?!

sorry it's so far away. my camera currently cannot zoom.

Drew loves soccer. Well, actually, Drew loves all sports. He had so much fun again this season running around the soccer field and watching all the other kids kick the ball around. I'd say he got what he was actually supposed to be doing on the day of the last game. Before that day he mostly ran around with a smile on his face; but, on this day he actually kicked the ball with some force and seemed  to understand that there was a goal he was shooting for.

simple pumpkin recipes

Two lovely things that you can do with a can of pumpkin:

Pumpkin Fluff

1 can of pumpkin
1 package of vanilla pudding
1 package of Cool Whip
1 teaspoon of pumpkin spice

Mix together. Enjoy by dipping cinnamon graham crackers.

Pumpkin Muffins

1 can of pumpkin
1 package of spice cake mix

Mix together, scoop into muffin tins, bake according to package directions.

The pumpkin fluff is compliments of my friend Jenn at www.jamesonstories.blogspot.com

pure awesomeness

 Oh, Julianna. How can you already be such a big girl?

I can't believe you're almost two years old. Thank you for your awesomeness.

Love,

Mom

the new plan

It turns out that Lily's a lot more enjoyable to be around these days. It also turns out that it was me, not her, that changed. I don't know how to explain the change without just telling a couple of stories about how things go these days compared to how they would have gone in the past.

Mornings around here used to be a battle zone. Even after I changed my mindset a bit, it is still stressful to get three young children dressed and fed and out the door on time. The way mornings used to work was I had a list of five things I needed Lily to do in the mornings. They had to be done in my order, on my watch and without a fight. If she got them done quickly, and the way I said they needed to be done, then she would get to watch TV for a few minutes before school. Needless to say, the TV hasn't been on on any school morning since school started. That's just how good things were going during our morning routine. There was screaming, crying, fighting with siblings and running around like chickens with our heads cut off. Not good.

Here's how I changed my approach: Instead of telling Lily exactly what to do and when to do it, I asked her how we could make mornings go better for everyone. She had quick and logical responses. She wanted to eat breakfast in her pajamas and take things slower in the morning. "I don't like to hurry, Mommy." I can totally relate! I am slow to wake up and would love to roll out of bed and eat me breakfast first thing. So, we solved the problem together. I told her that if she was going to eat breakfast first thing, then she needed get ready for school without stalling so that we didn't run out of time to get everything done. We also decided that we would get up 15 minutes earlier in the mornings so we had time to take things a bit slower.

The first morning of our plan went pretty well. She woke up first thing to have her breakfast, but she was annoyed that Drew was at the table with her. Instead of demanding that she sit there and be nice to her brother, I asked her how we could solve this problem so everyone could be happy. She solved the problem on her own again. She asked to eat her breakfast alone in her art area. Now, old me would have not even thought of solving the problem this way, let alone with her help! But, it worked magically. She now eats her breakfast alone in her pj's with nary a tear or grumble.

The second morning of our new approach Lily did just fine until it was time to put on her school shoes. She was fighting me and my frustration level was rising quickly. At some point I realized that things were getting out of hand and that I had not asked her what the problem was. Instead I was just demanding she do it my way. And, RIGHT NOW! So, I stopped and calmed down. Then I asked her what the deal was. Why wasn't she getting her shoes on for school? Her answer was simple. Some of the girls at school wear their fancy shoes to school and bring their tennis shoes in their backpacks for PE. Ah-ha! Old me would have stuffed her feet in her shoes and drug her kicking and screaming to school. Bad start. Bad mommy. Obviously we packed her tennis shoes up and she wore her fancy rain boots to school. Problem solved, no tears.

There has been a shift in our relationship. She is cooperating more easily. She works with me way more and understands that she has a voice. She now trusts that Mom will listen when she talks. She now sees that I am willing to work with her and take some extra time to make sure she gets what she needs.

So many of us are taught that children should do what their parents say because they said so. We learn that if you give in to your kid, or adjust in any way, that you are spoiling your child. We are told that if we collaborate with our child that our child will not know what it's like in the real world. They will fail as adults if we don't make them do what we say all the time. I have to wholeheartedly disagree with that. The real world is not a place that, as an adult, you can't negotiate and decide where and when to eat your breakfast. The real world doesn't have someone telling you to do something "because I said so". In the real world we are expected to make good choices, to work and play with fellow human beings; basically, to lead a happy and fulfilling life. We are not expected to do good things because we might get in trouble if we don't, we are expected to do things because it's the right thing to do.

This new way of parenting is going to take some work, but when was parenting not work? It's also going to take extra time to work things out. But, isn't that better than dragging your kicking screaming child around town demanding she do what you say RIGHT NOW! I like this new way of thinking and I'm pretty sure Lily's feeling good about it. You know how I know? Because, when I revert back to my old ways with her she says to me, "I don't like this solution! This doesn't work for me! We need to work together to come up with a better plan!" Now, who wouldn't be happy with a child that's willing to work with people and problem solve? I am giving my child confidence, a strong voice and a really good approach to building solid healthy relationships with others. This girl is a rock star!

Some of Lily's creativity made it to the benches in the kitchen. (The bench has now been removed!)

If anyone is interested in where I learned this new way of thinking, check out the book The Explosive Child. I think the ideas in this book have changed my whole parenting experience. Also, I am confident that you don't have to have an explosive child for this new way of thinking to be a positive thing at your house.

addict

Hi, my name is Taylor and I am addicted to working out.

It's true. I've gone through a few phases in the past where I would go workout for a few weeks and then something would happen and I would fall out of the habbit. I liked going but it wasn't a priority for me.

All summer long I was plotting and planning what I would do with my time once school started again. One thing that continued to come to mind for me was starting a workout routine. The week before school started we were out of activities and had nothing to do all day. So, three days that week I took all three children to the Y daycare so that I could get started with my workouts. It was a way to get out of the house on those last few summer days. I spent $15 on daycare alone that week, just to get out of the house. Looking back I'd say that it was worth it.

After school started it was fairly easy to fit in a few workouts a week. But, as things got busier around here, it became harder to negotiate our schedule for my time in the gym. To remedy the scheduling issue I stared heading to the gym at 5:15 AM two or three mornings a week. That's when I knew I was officially a gym rat and completely addicted to working out.  When I became willing to set my alarm for that early in the morning, I knew that I had crossed over the line of normal and into the realm of fanatic.

These past few weeks have been pretty stressful around here. Usually when things get stressful I tend to withdrawal and have a hard time meeting my usual expectations. However, going to the Y has really kept me from my usual habits. I can now say with complete confidence that the experts are right about how much staying in shape can do for a person. In my experience, my depression has lessened, my focus has increased, I have more energy and my moods are generally happier. As the days get shorter and the sun spends more time behind the clouds, my usual dread of winter is less. If I can maintain my workouts, then I'm thinking that this holiday season won't be nearly as stressful as in years past. Hopefully with all these endorphins floating around in my system I can avoid the winter blues altogether.

The Chrises

Drew 3 1/2 and Connor 3 months

Drew, 3 months

 I don't know if you can tell from these pictures, but Drew and Connor are definitely related. They really do still look a lot alike. Drew loves to hear about how he looked like Connor when he was a baby. He loves to talk about how they are both boys and have blue eyes. He loves his cousin! :)

I have said it before, but I will say it again. I wish that the Chrises lived closer. What do I mean by "Chrises" you ask? Well, growing up with a dad that had two brothers, to keep each family straight we called the family unit by the first name of the dad. We were the Brads and then we had the Alans and the Davids. I feel like I should note that my dad had a sister, Diana. We called her family the Weavers since they didn't share our last name. :) My cousins did have to call her, Diana Jean, and my mom, Diana Lee, so that they didn't confuse the Dianas.  We still use this system today. This little story is in no way related to my original idea for this post, but it is a little fun fact about my family.

So, back to the original post idea - It was good to see Connor and the rest of the Chrises last week. I hope it's not too long before we get to see them again.

driver's ed

The other day Drew and I were going to Grandma's house via the highway. We had recently travelled that way with Tom in the car and me at the wheel. During that trip Tom couldn't help but to comment on my driving. I was driving too fast, driving in a "bad spot", merging incorrectly and coming too close to the cones. Now, fast forward to the day that it was just Drew and I in the car. This is what Drew says to me: "You almost hit those cones, Mommy! Be careful! You are going the wrong way...we are supposed to be going northeast somewhere. This is not the right way!!" So, from now on, when Tom's in the car, he will either be driving or drugged and blindfolded in the backseat.

One more funny Drew story.

Today we took a donation to the Goodwill. When we got there Drew said, "This is the Goodwill? Well, then where's the Badwill? (pointing at random buildings) Is that the Badwill? Is that?"

No, Drew, Badwill is not a place, it is something you cause when you are a backseat driver. Try and keep that to a minimum in the future.

Bipartisan marriage

It's been said on this blog before that I am a huge Obama supporter. It's also been said on this blog before that my husband likes to shoot things. A lot. (read about it here.) So, it should come as no surprise that my husband pulled a double whammy a few months ago. Now, before I tell you this, know that I've known this man for twenty years and very little surprises me anymore. Also know that Tom and I agree on a lot of the issues facing our country today. So, the double whammy I was talking about? Well, my husband of five years joined the NRA and the Republican party on the same day. I KNOW! Crazy, huh?! Now, I'm not sure, but maybe the NRA makes it a prerequisite to be a Republican before they let you join their club. Maybe not. Nevertheless, he is now getting plenty of red, white and blue mail about guns and freedom.

The interesting thing about the NRA development is the fact that Tom has changed his ways when it comes to wild animal control at home.  He has become non-violent. Last year, when we had such trouble with the rabbits eating our gardens, Tom had no trouble whipping out his gun to rain bullets on the back (and front) yards. But times, and tactics, have changed.

We've had a skunk living under our porch for a few weeks now. I had smelled something bad in our garage, but I couldn't identify it. Tom thought that he'd taken care of the problem when he found a dead mouse in an old, expired bag of dog food. Turns out that that was only part of the problematic smell.

During the Fair last month my mom called one night asking if she could drop off her leftover cotton candy. (Hell yes! was my answer.) So, I went to meet her on the front porch and she screamed like their was a masked gunman in my front yard. "Don't come out, Taylor! There's a skunk!" So, mom stayed across the street from my house and I stayed on the porch waiting to see what would happen next. Turns out the skunk ran away, around our house, and no one ever really saw where he went.

So over the last few weeks we've kept our noses keen to finding the skunk. Tom became pretty convinced that he was living under the porch. So in typical Tom fashion he started research techniques to getting rid of skunks, because who wants to be hunting skunks and get sprayed? Not anyone I know. Tom read to sprinkle flour at the entrance of where you think they are living and then wait to find tracks. He did it last night and within 30 minutes of the flour trap being set, he found this:



Tom added hilights so that you can see the footprints.

We were right! There was a skunk under the porch. Needless to say, Tom was extremely excited that his plan had worked. He and I went right out to board the hole up so that he couldn't come back.

Amazingly enough, when we checked our handiwork this morning, the skunk had unsuccessfully tried to dig back into his little home under the porch. Tom's gun-free plan had worked and our home is once again skunk-free.

So, my question is, if I can be happily MARRIED to a Republican, why can't our friends in Washington find common ground?

Bobba

I have had a brief hiatus from the blog. I don't know how many times I have said that to start a blog, but I'm sure it's a lot. Anyway, I've been on break because Tom's dad, Bob, went to hospice on September 20th. I wasn't sure how to talk about it on the blog, and every other topic seemed strange to talk about as our lives became centered around the end of a very long journey. Bob suffered from a rare form of dementia called,  Pick's Disease, and he had been sick for 7 years. Although the end has come with great sadness, it has also been relief. Bob was very sick for a long time and we are grateful that his suffering has ended.

He had been sick for Lily's entire life. She remembers him, but had not seen him in over two years. He stopped speaking about three years ago and went to live in a nursing home over two years ago. It's hard to know if he knew who Lily was when he last saw her, but she remember her Bobba. Her Bobba had always been sick, but she had many special interactions with him before the illness had taken too much of him. I wasn't comfortable taking Lily to visit him in the nursing home for many reasons, but, mainly, it was to keep her memories safe. Drew and Julianna, however, do not have any memories of Bob. Julianna was born after he had moved into the nursing home.

My paternal grandfather, Papa, died when I was Drew's age. In fact, my children are the ages of my sister, brother and I when our Papa died. My memories of him are fleeting at best, but I can say with assurance that I love him very much. I feel like my love for him is a testement to my parents, aunts and uncles. They have kept Papa alive in my heart all of this time. I know so many of his stories by heart. He was pretty amazing and also pretty proud to be a grandpa of eight grandchildren under the age of 5.

All of this love I have for a grandpa I hardly knew gives me so much comfort when I think of my children. They will never know Bob the way we wish they could have known him, but they will love him just the same. Our family will keep the spirit of Bob alive in our hearts and homes for Lily, Drew and Julianna. They will know his stories by heart. They will laugh at all the goofy things their grandpa did, even if they weren't there to see it. They will think of their Bobba when they hear the music that he loved. And they will appricate who they are because a piece of Bobba is in each one of them.

can you say julianna?

My camera has been acting funny lately. I haven't gotten any good, recent pictures of Julianna. I am feeling pretty guilty about that.

Anyway, Julianna is 21 months now. Almost TWO! I can't believe that we really have no babies living in our house. It's so exciting, if everything goes as planned, we will be a diaper-free family in less than a year. Hooray!

 Julianna is at a really fun age. She is learning so much right now. She is testing her limits, soaking up language and really starting to develop even more personality. She has had such a language explosion that I can't even keep track of all the new words.

She has been known to demand quite a few things like: "shirt off" "take bath" "bathroom, water on!" "get in!" If you understand her correctly and repeat it back to her, she will nod her head and say, "yes." Today she spent the a few hours with my parents. When I asked her if she had a good day she said, "Mimi. Papa. Fun. House. Yes." I think we are past the guessing game with her. She makes it pretty clear exactly where she stands.

There is one word that I cannot get her to say, no matter what I try. Her name. She has yet to repeat it back to me. She says strawberry, granola bar and is making sentences. But, the girl refuses to utter even then first syllable of her name. I know it's a long one, but I wish she would try!

a plane! a plane!

 Last weekend we took Lily and Drew to the McConnell Air Force Base open house. We saw all sorts of jets, helicopters and even a bus with a jet engine. The bus went over 200 miles an hour on the run way. We toured the inside of a KC-135, which is the type of aircraft that fuels other planes during flight. All amazing sights, and sounds, for that matter. 

Drew posing with the pirate plane.

Do you know what their favorite part was?

The inflatable, bouncy, moonwalks. The only way the inflatables were connected to the air show was that  they were sponsored by Boeing.