Sad

I had to make a heartbreaking decision. Well, it wasn't really a decision, more like I was forced to stop something that is important to me. I am so sad. However, it was an extremely important step to take for everyone's health and well being. I have been suffering from a pretty serious case of postpartum depression (PPD) for a few weeks now. I guess it has been here for a few months really, but it has gotten to the point that I could not ignore it anymore. I couldn't sleep and I couldn't eat and I had pretty much checked out of everything outside of the house. I didn't actually notice the signs. All I noticed was that I couldn't focus and that I couldn't sleep. I concluded (and even talked about on this blog) that it was my ADHD.

Last week when I went to the doctor I was looking for a small dose of a stimulant medication that I could take while nursing. I explained to him that I couldn't sleep, couldn't focus, and I felt like I wanted to rip my hair out everyday. He just looked at me and said that he didn't think that it was my ADHD and that I was depressed. He said that we needed to be concerned if I wasn't sleeping and I couldn't focus throughout my day. To be honest, those are the two reasons I was sitting in his office. However, I am prone to depression and have been since I was 15 years old (or maybe sooner) and I had taken precautions to avoid this very thing before having Julianna. I started a small dose of antidepressant medication a few weeks before she was born. So, that day in the doctor's office, he tripled my dose and asked to see me in one week. He said that if the increased dosage didn't show results then we would have to make some tough choices about my decision to breastfeed.

Fast forward to Monday. Julianna and I had an appointment that afternoon and the whole day before that I was trying to decide what I was going to tell the doctor. I had had moments of joy mixed in with moments of craziness all that week. I was completely devastated at the thought of having to quit nursing because I couldn't hack it. But, I knew that all of my children and my husband were suffering so that I could make just one healthy choice for one of them. In reality only 14% of women are still nursing their babies at six months and the health benefits for baby drastically drop off after the six month mark. So, realistically, I had made it past that mark and then some. It wouldn't hurt Julianna if I had to stop at this point. So I told the doctor the truth. I used the example that if I had children that went to school everyday, I would be going right back to bed after they left. So he shared with me that he thought it would be best to stop nursing and try some stronger medications. He said that he only recommends to stop nursing to one to two women a year; but, that given my situation, he would recommend that I stop.

I can't tell you how sad this makes me. I understand that in a couple of weeks when we have a schedule worked out and everyone is used to bottle feeding that this situation will seem like a distant past. However, it's hard now and it hurts now. I do want to feel better and I do want to become the mother that I was before the PPD. It just stinks that I have to give up something so precious to do it. I'm sure Julianna will never blame me for cheating her out of the last 5 months of nursing. She won't tell me that the reason she didn't get a 36 on the ACT was because I only nursed her for 7 months. But it is so sad to be at the point of stopping. I will never be here again. I will never have another baby. But, the thing is, I will also never have this time with my family again. Lily will never be 4 1/2 years old again. And Drew will never be 2 1/2 again. I don't want to miss that! I don't want to be consumed by this illness and lose precious time with my kids.