Memories from today

This is just a post so that I can remember the little things that were happening to us in life.

Drew was making phone calls with his play phone. He spoke with a man name Harold and another man named Larry. He was giving orders and told Larry to swab the decks. We do not know anyone by these names, and they are so out of the ordinary for a kindergartener to know, that it struck me as funny.

Julianna has been showing signs of being able to read for awhile now. She has obsessively been writing her letters whenever she has a pen and paper. Last week she wrote her first word independently. And I don't mean just writing letters I tell her to make a word. She actually sounded out a word herself and wrote it down without my help. The word was 'pan'. Since that day I have noticed that she can remember the short vowel sounds for a, e, i, and o. Yesterday I wrote about three dozen short vowel words on a piece of paper and she sounded out and read every single one of them. This seems totally crazy to me...but I'm looking forward to seeing what she figures out next.

My children are all about running lately. I went for a run first thing in the morning yesterday and when I got home they wanted to run too. They like my treadmill more than I do and Lily ended up running 1.4 miles on it yesterday. There is a running club for kids 8 and older and I'm thinking it'd be a good club for Lily to join. She needs practice making friends and the running could be a natural help for her ADHD. The other two children ran too, but not nearly as much. I'm ready for the long, warm summer days where all they do is run and play.

Tom finished up a big part of a painting project on Sunday. He has all the walls and the trim in the living room painted. The next step is to finish the second coat on the ceiling. He is currently building himself some stilts so that he can move more easily while painting so high up. I'm looking forward to getting my furniture back in the room to see how it looks. I'm being patient though -- and grateful to Tom for all his hard work. Tom is a very careful painter and I think it looks great. We have lived here almost two years and I'm so excited that we have started some of the projects that will make this house look the way we want our home to look. It's not going to be an overnight thing, but when we're done, it's going to look great. :)

Wait... what day is it?

We recently hung a giant chalkboard in our kitchen. I love it so much. Tom painted a calendar on it so that we could keep track of the days and activities for the kids. Every day I post what we are doing that day, and what we are planning for tomorrow. It is hard to miss, as it hangs right by our kitchen table and we can see it several times a day. So what I can't understand is how I still do not know what the date is from one day to the next. Like this Monday, for example, I had to sign some papers with the correct date and without even thinking about it, I signed them all with the wrong date. It's the story of my life.

When Lily was in first grade her teacher told us at conferences that Lily was always on top of the facts of any lesson they were learning in school. She knew so much about everything they covered in class. However, the teacher said, if you ask her what day it is, she will look at you like you're speaking another language. For the life I of me I do not know where Lily inherited that trait from.

finding joy

I have ADHD. However, I don't think that I have ever really explained the type of ADHD that I have. I know that when most people are imagining a person with this disorder they are imagining a hyper, disorganized person. Well, for me, I am only half of that presumed description. My type is called 'innattentive' and it is a ADHD sub-type. I have trouble explaining what that means exactly, so I googled it for you. This is what I found on Wikipedia:

"ADHD-PI is different from the other subtypes of ADHD in that it is characterized primarily by inattention, easy distractibility, disorganization, procrastination, forgetfulness, and lethargy (fatigue), but with less or none of the symptoms of hyperactivity or impulsiveness typical of the other ADHD subtypes. In some cases, children who enjoy learning may develop a sense of fear when faced with structured or planned work, especially long or group-based that requires extended focus, even if they thoroughly understand the topic. Children with ADHD-PI may be at greater risk of academic failures and early withdrawal from school. Teachers and parents may make incorrect assumptions about the behaviours and attitudes of a child with undiagnosed ADHD-PI, and may provide them with frequent and erroneous negative feedback (e.g. "you're irresponsible", "you're lazy", "you don't care/show any effort", "you just aren't trying", etc.)."

So, for me the disorder manifests differently then the stereotypical ADHD case. Instead of being hyper and unfocused, I am unfocused and lethargic. I have struggled my whole life with keeping my energy up and engaging in activities. My inability to maintain focus, my lack of motivation and my general lack of drive was just a part of who I was.

I managed to get by in school for a long time only because I was pretty smart and so I was able to stay ahead of the curve. However, I can pinpoint the time in my life that the ADHD became too much for me to overcome academically. It was fifth grade that I was moved from the 'high' math class (and reading and everything else for that matter). I think that that is the point in any person's education where you are required to learn, retain and apply what your learn. At that point you are also required to do more outside of class, remember assignments and study for tests. That is when I could no longer keep up appearances. The material became hard for me to focus on in class and impossible to take home to work on.

As I got older, my symptoms appeared to be more depression than ADHD. I mean, in the 1990s girls were not even thought of to have ADHD; especially not quiet girls that managed to appear like they were paying attention. I took all of the negative that was happening at school and internalized it. I was failing to live up to the standards that I had set for myself, for what appeared to be no reason at all. I felt sad, lazy and stupid.

As I entered high school my self confidence was zero and my grades were so-so. I had no explanation as to why I felt different from my peers or why I couldn't keep up academically with my friends. I remember sitting in class just waiting for the bell to ring. I was retaining no information and I, to this day, do not remember studying for tests. At all. I rarely did homework and I used swimming as my outlet.

 At that time in my life the only reasonable explanation for us was that I was depressed. I have been on some form of an antidepressant since I was 15 years old. I think that it helped some, but not a lot. It helped me to feel empowered, like I was doing something about my problems. However, it did nothing to help me actually solve any of the problems. I continued to struggle in school. I continued to struggle in relationships. And I continued to struggle with energy and focus.

Sadly, it was not until I was 26 years old that I finally got a diagnosis and found an explanation for my symptoms. And then it was another three years before I was able to try the medications to help relieve those symptoms. During my first years as a mother I struggled with a lack of energy and focus and I was totally disorganized. All incredibly bad traits for a mother to have.

It was not until I was 29 and a mother to three small children that I began taking stimulants. It was completely life changing for me. The medication helps with my energy, organization, focus and seems to wake my brain up. I can't say enough for what modern medicine has done for my quality of life. 

The most recent development regarding my medications is that I have completely stopped taking antidepressants. I am so excited about this! The stimulants have removed my lack of motivation, which  has helped me to remove my negative self image. The stimulants coupled with a regular workout have relieved all depression symptoms.

All these years...wow. Now that I understand and treat my disorder, there is no more room in my life for depression. I cannot put into words how amazing that is. I don't think that I could ever explain to people the internal personal shift this has caused for me. It has been nothing but a positive thing for myself, my marriage, my children and my relationships in general. It makes me want to find all the little girls like me...the ones that don't know or understand why they are different. I want to find them, and tell them, and save them from any extra bumps in their road to adulthood. And then I want to celebrate with them. Celebrate the amazing gift of ADHD, because it truly is a gift.

pure brilliance

Lily has ADHD. I have never mentioned it here because it's a private matter. However, I realized today that I also never want to send the message that ADHD is something to be ashamed of, because it's not. In fact, in some respects, it's something to celebrate. We have a very open relationship with Lily. Her ADHD has been explain to her like this: You have a special kind of brain. It's so smart and moves so fast that you take medicine to slow your super-charged brain down so that you can focus. Mommy has it too. I take medicine to help my brain, too. Aren't we lucky to have such super-charged brains?!

Now, who knows if we are handling it correctly and the meds issue is not a subject I feel like discussing on my blog at this time. But, as far as raising Lily, we are doing the best we can. We are educated on the subject, open with her, her teachers and our family. Everyday we try to celebrate the creativity and other amazing traits Lily has. It is a part of her that we wouldn't change, despite the challenges that it sometimes creates.

Today when I picked Lily up from school her teacher talked with me as we walked down the sidewalk towards home. She said that they had done some testing today to get a baseline for the students in the class. She said, "She aced it! And she was the only one who did! She did so well and then wrote her name all fancy all over her paper. If she can be this distracted and do this well..." She trailed off. But, I am going to fill in the blank for her, "she must be brilliant!"

That's my girl!!

Big Time

I feel like a big time blogger now! My post about breastfeeding vs. taking meds for ADHD has generated the most feedback of any post, ever. I really appreciate everyone's feedback. I felt so much better about everything after I posted all about how I was feeling. It's weird, because I'm a pretty private person and suddenly I'm blogging about my personal struggle with being the best mom I can be. What's interesting is, after I typed it all out and posted it...I felt like a weight had been lifted. I went on with my day and had a better attitude about it. I now realize that I would be much too sad to stop breastfeeding at this point. A lot of the feedback centered around thinking about myself and putting myself first. Taking care of me so that I can better take care of my children. But, really, nursing the baby is what I really want to do. It was never a question of whether or not I wanted to breastfeed. It's a special thing that I won't get to do forever and time with her that I won't get back. So, I'm going to continue to nurse for a few more months. Ideally, she will go from the breast to a sippy cup with no problem, just like Drew.

Now, I'm sure some of you are screaming, "What are you thinking?! What about your other children that you were so worried about yesterday?" I know. The concern for my other two children is still there. I am going to take small steps to make sure that I do better for them over the next few months. How? Well, first off, I'm going to be open with my friends and family about my struggle. That way I don't feel so alone with this chaos. I am going to ask for help when I need it and not feel like I need to take care of everything. Also, starting in August (i'm waiting until then because I can join the YMCA for free and Lily will be starting school.) I'm going to start a regular workout routine. I turn 29 that month, and for my birthday present I'm going to get myself a personal trainer for a bit, so that I can really commit to it. For those of you who don't know, working out is one of the best natural ways to help the mind to focus. Above all, I'm going to spend time each day with Lily and Drew making sure that they have a positive memorable interaction with me....that way if I get short-tempered, they will have something stored in their love bank.

What to do

I'm having a delima. I have breastfed all of my children. I breastfed Lily exclusivly for the first six months. Even though I was actaully pumping more than I was physically nursing her, due to my work schedule, it was worth it. At the time it was extremely important to me. I couldn't be there for her all day, everyday like I wanted to, so breastfeeding was my way of staying connected to her. She started having formula regularly at about 6 months, but I continued to nurse her until she was about 9 months. With Drew, he never took a bottle once (and not always by my choice!) He went straight from the breast to a sippy cup at 10 months. Julianna is 6 and a half months old and I am completely happy nursing her. Although the first weeks of all of my baby's lives were difficult (to say the least) to get used to nursing, and being the baby's only source of nutirtion, it becomes really easy after that. I never have to remember to pack a bottle, or wash bottle, or spend 100s of dollars on formula. I know that they are getting the best food they can and it caters to my very disorganized life. I always have the boobs with me! I don't have them sitting in the sink waiting to be washed, the milk is never wasted, and it's always the right tempreture. I COMPLETELY understand why nursing doesn't work for everyone, but it is one of the joys of my parenting experience.

Now, you might be asking what the delima could be if I"m this happy nursing. Well, let me tell you. As I've had children, 3 in the past 4 1/2 years, my life has progressively become more chaotic. I don't really mind a bit of chaos, but these days, even I can't handle the stress that it's causing. Most days my house is embarrassingly dirty and cluttered and I can barely get organized enough to get out the door with 3 children. I have become short-tempered with my Lily; which is sad, because she is the child the needs the most patience. The worse the chaos gets, the harder it is to overcome. Every book in the universe about parenting says that kids thrive on predictability. These days, there is no predictibility for my children. I am flitting from one task to the next without completing anything. I give them directions and then forget what I ask them to do. Or, I will tell them, forget about it, and then later will get after them for not doing what I asked them to do. (even though I've forgotten too!) I know the biggest reason for all of this chaos is the fact that I have ADHD. And that medication could help me to overcome some of the problems I've been having. I could have more focus and energy to be a good mom.

Now, I know you people are all thinking, "Oh, being a mom is hard! Everyone goes through it." or "I lose my keys sometimes, too." or "Everyone gets short-tempered with their kids. It's part of life." However, I don't think that you're really getting just how hard it is for me to appear that I am functioning well. One example of this would be one time when I had all three children at a playgroup. I thought I had everything that I needed in the diaper bag. Wrong. That day Julianna pooped right out of her diaper and she was covered in poop. I got out to the car to get her changed (because I didn't actually have the diaper bag with me during the playgroup, as most moms do) and I find that I don't have a single diaper in the whole van that is her size. Not one. Usually in these types of situations my disorganization can play to my favor. I can usually find a diaper stashed somewhere in the mess. This day there was nothing but a size 5 diaper (drew's size, as she was in newborn size at this time!) So, I had to wrap her in the size 5 diaper and hope for the best. This may not seem like such a big deal....but if you line these small failures up over and over throughout a day, a week, or month after month, it can start to wear on a person's self confidence. I rarely feel like I have it all together, and my very loving (and organized) husband has to compensate for a lot.

So, now for the delima. It is the fact that I love to nurse my children. I was planning on nursing Julianna for the whole first year. She is my last, and I just really was hoping to make it to 12 months. However, there are no medications for ADHD that have been proven safe for nursing mothers. (I am not interested in the medication debate. If I had a bad thyroid, wouldn't I take medication to fix it? Well, ADHD is a brain problem, that can be helped with medication. So, for the first time since my diagnosis 2 years ago, I am ready to try meds.) Anyway, I just don't feel comfortable nursing while on medication. But, I feel like my two oldest children are not getting the best part of me because I'm staying medication free to nurse their baby sister. I also understand that there are several "natural" alternatives to treating ADHD. I could change my diet and maybe get a life coach to help me overcome some of problems I've been having. However, as far as the diet goes, I don't have enough focus to really impliment such a plan. I'm not a detail person. And, the life coach won't really make the symptoms go away. Anyway, I would be so sad to quit breastfeeding. Once I decide to stop, there is no going back. But, is my desire to nurse so much more important than the health and happiness of all three of my children?

Ah-ha!!

I have ADHD. I was diagnosed 2 years ago and it made a lot of things in my life make sense. It answered the question as to why I got bored with jobs after just a few months, why I was a terrible roommate in college, why i have a problem with interrupting, and staying organized, and my ability to follow thru is so small that I don't even remember to shut the van door when I leave the van!! :) The list could go on and on and on!!

I do my best, but sometimes the ADHD gets the best of me. Having three children has made it glaringly obvious that I have trouble with inattentiveness and organization. It's a wonder sometimes that my children and I can make it from place to place in one piece and fully dressed! Anyway, I've been really hard on myself these last few months adjusting to three children. When I had one child it was mostly pretty easy to hold it together. I was messy and disorganized, but I could fake it enough that no one really knew! With two children, my house was a total wreck a lot of the time, but out and about I was organized enough to pack the diaper bag and get us places on time. Now since Julianna was born that has all gone out the window. Shoes?? Where?? Keys?? Who Knows!! 10 minutes late to everything? Oh, that's me!!

So, I've been researching some strategies to help make life easier around here (the problem with the strategies is IF THEY WERE EASY TO DO, I WOULD ALREADY BE DOING THEM!!! sorry, tangent!) Anyway, I found an interesting tid bit that I had never read before- Pregnancy relieves some of the symptoms of ADHD!! I suppose all those hormones help your brain to focus to prepare for the new baby. No wonder I've had so much trouble adjusting after each baby is born! I get used to being pretty organized for 9 months, and then BAM!! I'm back to crazy inattentive mom. So, as I try to juggle these three children, without the possibility of any future pregnancies, wish me luck!