"ADHD-PI is different from the other subtypes of ADHD in that it is characterized primarily by inattention, easy distractibility, disorganization, procrastination, forgetfulness, and lethargy (fatigue), but with less or none of the symptoms of hyperactivity or impulsiveness typical of the other ADHD subtypes. In some cases, children who enjoy learning may develop a sense of fear when faced with structured or planned work, especially long or group-based that requires extended focus, even if they thoroughly understand the topic. Children with ADHD-PI may be at greater risk of academic failures and early withdrawal from school. Teachers and parents may make incorrect assumptions about the behaviours and attitudes of a child with undiagnosed ADHD-PI, and may provide them with frequent and erroneous negative feedback (e.g. "you're irresponsible", "you're lazy", "you don't care/show any effort", "you just aren't trying", etc.)."
So, for me the disorder manifests differently then the stereotypical ADHD case. Instead of being hyper and unfocused, I am unfocused and lethargic. I have struggled my whole life with keeping my energy up and engaging in activities. My inability to maintain focus, my lack of motivation and my general lack of drive was just a part of who I was.
I managed to get by in school for a long time only because I was pretty smart and so I was able to stay ahead of the curve. However, I can pinpoint the time in my life that the ADHD became too much for me to overcome academically. It was fifth grade that I was moved from the 'high' math class (and reading and everything else for that matter). I think that that is the point in any person's education where you are required to learn, retain and apply what your learn. At that point you are also required to do more outside of class, remember assignments and study for tests. That is when I could no longer keep up appearances. The material became hard for me to focus on in class and impossible to take home to work on.
As I got older, my symptoms appeared to be more depression than ADHD. I mean, in the 1990s girls were not even thought of to have ADHD; especially not quiet girls that managed to appear like they were paying attention. I took all of the negative that was happening at school and internalized it. I was failing to live up to the standards that I had set for myself, for what appeared to be no reason at all. I felt sad, lazy and stupid.
As I entered high school my self confidence was zero and my grades were so-so. I had no explanation as to why I felt different from my peers or why I couldn't keep up academically with my friends. I remember sitting in class just waiting for the bell to ring. I was retaining no information and I, to this day, do not remember studying for tests. At all. I rarely did homework and I used swimming as my outlet.
At that time in my life the only reasonable explanation for us was that I was depressed. I have been on some form of an antidepressant since I was 15 years old. I think that it helped some, but not a lot. It helped me to feel empowered, like I was doing something about my problems. However, it did nothing to help me actually solve any of the problems. I continued to struggle in school. I continued to struggle in relationships. And I continued to struggle with energy and focus.
Sadly, it was not until I was 26 years old that I finally got a diagnosis and found an explanation for my symptoms. And then it was another three years before I was able to try the medications to help relieve those symptoms. During my first years as a mother I struggled with a lack of energy and focus and I was totally disorganized. All incredibly bad traits for a mother to have.
It was not until I was 29 and a mother to three small children that I began taking stimulants. It was completely life changing for me. The medication helps with my energy, organization, focus and seems to wake my brain up. I can't say enough for what modern medicine has done for my quality of life.
The most recent development regarding my medications is that I have completely stopped taking antidepressants. I am so excited about this! The stimulants have removed my lack of motivation, which has helped me to remove my negative self image. The stimulants coupled with a regular workout have relieved all depression symptoms.
All these years...wow. Now that I understand and treat my disorder, there is no more room in my life for depression. I cannot put into words how amazing that is. I don't think that I could ever explain to people the internal personal shift this has caused for me. It has been nothing but a positive thing for myself, my marriage, my children and my relationships in general. It makes me want to find all the little girls like me...the ones that don't know or understand why they are different. I want to find them, and tell them, and save them from any extra bumps in their road to adulthood. And then I want to celebrate with them. Celebrate the amazing gift of ADHD, because it truly is a gift.
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