You started school a few days ago. I'm not going to lie....it was probably in my top five worst days of my life. You are only reading this letter after you've gotten old enough not to have real guilt about going off to school and leaving your poor, grieving mother. So I feel like I can be an open book about how I was feeling.
To be honest, when Lily started kindergarten, it was a huge step. It felt life altering, and it was. However, it was also a relief when she started going to school all day. I had a three-year-old and a one-year-old and I didn't have time or energy to grieve too much when she left. I know it was a bittersweet transition when she started kindergarten but I had my hands full and I was okay. Two years later, Drew started kindergarten and it hit me a little harder in my gut. I was pretty sad that first day and you and I may or may not have gone and stalked his first lunch recess time together. We both missed him and it was a little bit harder than with my first. However, I still had you, I told myself. I felt like I would soak up every bit of Julianna time I could (and felt a little guilt for my middle child that never had gotten that day after day one-on-one time that you girls got).
This summer I was dreading the start of school. The summer wouldn't go slow enough and when Lily broke her arm it just seemed to make everything go even faster. We were always looking ahead to the next thing for Lily's recovery and trying to stay positive. This had us always counting down the days and weeks toward no cast....but it was also the countdown to the big start to kindergarten. When it finally arrived, I kept my calendar open. I didn't want to do any crying out in public and I thought my introverted personality would relish the quiet of the first day of school. Boy, was I wrong. I came home and was just so sad. I was pathetic, actually. You were my youngest, off to kindergarten, and I was at home feeling sorry for myself. It was like the rug being pulled out from under me. All of my preparations for this day, all my efforts to not lose myself in motherhood, were lost in my grief. I was suddenly the stay-at-home mom with no one to stay home with. It was just a lot harder than I had expected it to be. You were my buddy, my sidekick. You were a joy to have around all day and I just was wishing I could have even more time with you.
Fast forward a few days and I am better. I'm still a little sad because I am under no illusions about how fast you will grow up now. Starting school seems to put kids on the fast track to growing up. It feels like just a few months ago that Lily was in your position and now she's starting fourth grade. However, I also know that it is the next step in your life and you were more than ready to take it. You didn't know about all of my grief as you took your steps into kindergarten and that's they way I will keep it for as long as I can.
You liked your first days of kindergarten. You are way more shy that I had anticipated. All of your life you have been an expert at making friends and getting along with people. However, as kindergarten neared, you did develop a little more shyness than you'd ever had before. I'm sure that you will warm up and make lots of friends and be just fine, but I hope that it's not with too many growing pains. You are one of the most likeable people on the planet, so I am hoping that you will just get out there and show all those potential friends how awesome you are.
During the first day of school I obviously was in no state to being writing you a letter about going off to school. It wasn't until five days later, today, that I could finally have some perspective on the whole experience. Today we went to the lake and got the boat out for only the second time all summer. You requested a tube ride and during that epic tube ride, and I do mean EPIC, I had an epiphany. Around every turn and spin of the boat, for every bounce the tube hit on the water, you were joyous. I have never in my life seen someone enjoy an experience so fully. You were absolutely present and carefree and happy and filled with pure joy. The look on your face was exactly what I needed to see. That face and those giggles and squeals were what told me that you would be okay. I have nothing to worry about. If you face life with the amount of joy and risk-taking as you did behind that boat, I have nothing left to teach you. You will absolutely do just fine. And I will too.
Thank you, Julianna. Thank you for all the amazing lessons you have taught me. Thank you for your generosity of spirit and your love for life. As you grow, you will teach many lessons to many people. You will teach these lessons just by being yourself and that is something we can both be proud of.
I love you more than words can say.
Love,
Mommy
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