I'll admit it. I've been going a little nuts lately. I actually can't help it...I know that it's not the logical part of my brain at work. (Is there a logical part of my brain?) But, despite understanding my insanity, I cannot seem to stop it. I think I've come up with a solution to the problem, though. Now, the solution may sound as crazy as the problem, but as I said before....there may not be a logical thought in my brain.
Today, five years ago, Tom and I signed the papers to buy the house we live in. We had stars in our eyes and thought this house was perfect. Oh my god if I could talk to that crazy couple! I would tell them to be patient. That their family was going to grow quickly beyond what this house could hold. Wait a second, breathe and don't buy this house. But, alas, I cannot speak to us then. I can only try really hard not to make the same mistakes again and rush into buying our next house.
Yup, that's right.
We're moving.
This year, in fact.
Exciting, right?
A happy time. Right?
Well, I'm sure it would be happy if you weren't insane like me....
For me the thought of buy our next home gets me very excited. I begin to hyper focus on all the possibilities. What needs to be done with this house. Where our next house will be. How much do we really want to spend? Do I mind that Lily might change schools? Or even school districts? Would it be okay if we bought a house with a pool? How will I manage the kids while the house is on the market? How quickly can we really get our house ready? Will it be weeks? A few more months? Should I peruse real estate sites now? Or wait until we're really, really ready to buy? Should we call the real estate agent now? Next week? The day after we finish the planned home improvement projects? If I find a house I like, will it still be there when we're ready to buy?
So, like I said...insane. My brain cannot handle all of the unknown facts that I am facing right now. My anxiety shoots through the roof. I can't sleep. I can think about nothing else. Almost everything I do in my daily life somehow can be connected to moving. I cannot make my mind shut up about it.
So....after all of this mind chatter, I am finally going to share my solution:
I am no longer moving. I am not planning, packing, looking at real estate, dreaming of decorating or furniture placement. I am not discussing future budgets, future down payments or any future scenario. I am going to give Tom my wish list. He will decide when our home improvement projects are done enough to call the agent. I don't want to talk about all the possible housing options. I don't want to even know what's on the market. Tom knows what I like and when it's time, he will narrow down the choices. I don't want to know that we're moving until it's time to sign the papers. Don't even tell me the night before. Just drive me to the office, tell me where to sign and leave me out of it.
I know that this sounds crazy. I know that the solution doesn't even seem realistic. How could I really surrender so much to my partner? Easy. I'm insane. The anxiety that this move is creating is really not healthy. My irrational thoughts are causing stress for everyone living in my house. I just don't want to know anything about it anymore. I am more than happy to clean, pack and organize. I am more than willing to paint, hammer, dig or build anything that needs to be painted, hammered, dug or built. However, I don't want a timeline. I don't want a million choices. I just want to wake up one morning and find out that today is the day I'm moving.
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