Flow

I have started a couple of blog posts today but I just can't seem to get into the flow of it. For some reason I've been feeling depressed again. It's really a frustrating thing to be cognitively aware that you are depressed and you do everything to overcome it....but, it sneaks up on you through the back door.

I don't want to become the downer blog or whine about the fact that I just can't seem to kick this damn thing. But, I do want an honest blog that gives gives people an idea of what it is like for me; as a mother, wife, sister, friend, and member of my community. I just think that people don't talk about this type of thing enough. So many people suffer in silence or aren't even aware of the possibility that things could be better. So, here I am, being as honest as possible and to tell you that if you're feeling depressed...there is a better way!!

It snuck up on me again. I was feeling spectacular for several days. Things were clicking. I was having a great time with my kids and my husband. I was not feeling overwhelmed or crazy. Then on Thursday of last week I think my body and brain went out of sync. I think my body was still adjusting to not producing milk anymore; and my brain was adjusting to all sorts of new medication and lots of it. So, in turn, I felt so terrible that I could barely get out of bed. I felt dizzy and nauseous and just tired. By Friday I had decided that I just had a bug and I would be over it soon. It is only now looking back that I can see that it was my body adjusting.

By Sunday I was physically better; however, I was back to feeling crummy again. I wasn't sleeping well and I was getting grumpy again. I didn't realize, again, that it was happening. I didn't have the Ah ha! moment until about 4 o'clock this morning while I laid in my bed wide awake and thought back over the last few days. I realized that I had established a pattern. I was still depressed.

I am going to work doubly hard to overcome this monster. It's so frustrating to be in this place. It has got to be a chemical problem in my brain...because I am doing everything in my power to NOT feel like this. Thank heaven for a good husband, supportive friends, and a wonderfully amazing family (and that includes in laws!) I would be so lost if I did not have such an amazing support system. And if you are reading this blog, then you to are helping me through this. So, Thank you, Blog Readers. You're pretty great!